Sunday Stories (12)

I was going through old pictures today. By old I mean a few months ago. I was looking at gatherings at poetry readings, birthday parties, some photos of my cousin's funeral, my aunt's wedding and my niece's graduation. Remember when going out was a thing we didn't fear? In a million years did we think the last graduation we went to would be the last graduation until MAYBE months from now or next year?

My poetry home is The World Stage in Los Angeles. I usually have clients during the day on Wednesdays and then go to The Stage at night. Sometimes I leave there and pick up my son from work around 10:30. Wednesdays are / were my long days. When I left The Stage the last time I was there I remember thinking, I'm tired. I'm going to take a break for a while. I work as a caregiver and the clients I work with are all elderly. My son has had a cold and I have had a sore throat for days and so I am not working with them now. Until who knows when? There are no workshops at The Stage, or any other venue right now IN MOST PARTS OF THE WORLD. Our lives have shifted. Like that!

This new normal is a lot to adjust to but we have to. I have to. When I am in the moment I am fine. I recognize that I am very blessed. I am physically and mentally ok. My son and I are both getting over the colds we had. We went to a testing center to get cleared to go back to work. The center we went to was a Kaiser center and would only test Kaiser members. My son is a member. I am not. They did clear him but the tests are so...what is the word? I don't have a word. They took his temperature and asked a bunch of questions and that was the test. That was it! Like I said, when I stay in the moment, I am ok. I do have what I need. I have had some night panic attacks but during the day I'm good. And not every night. Last night was a good night.

I do get overwhelmed when I start playing the what if game with myself. I can't help it though. The thoughts just come. I try to catch them when I can and shift my thoughts to the present. To God. To some happy place in my head. Working eases the overwhelm. I am constantly creating. I am writing. That is very important to me. I'm not pressuring myself to create great poems but I'm blogging. I think it's important, especially during this time to document what's going on. Sometimes I'm just posting prayers, thoughts during the day, poems I manage to push out and journaling. I am painting and selling art and my book on Facebook, Instagram and my blog. So far I'm selling ok. I'm on track to make rent and pay some bills this month. (Stay in the moment. Stay in the moment.) I'm tempted to go into questions about next month and the month after that if this continues. I won't. I'm going to stay in the moment. I'm going to live in right now. I don't know about tomorrow but I know who does. I know who holds my hand. I know who controls this world, this virus and my head. That doesn't mean it's not scary for me some moments (many moments). But I'm learning to live in this new day. I've never been a very big spender. Not much of a shopper. Not a gambler or anything like that. I used to spend a lot of money of food and wine though. That stopped. I'm using my crockpot and buying a lot of vegetables and beans and rice and potatoes and meat when I can find it. I haven't bought any alcohol since the lockdown. I walk down to the corner market in the mornings when they open and buy a roll of toilet paper, some canned goods, bread and fruit. Today I splurged and got cookies. Prices are too high to get too many things. $4.99 for a pack of sliced cheese. Dude? But I'm still here. We're still here.

It's raining now and I'm enjoying the sound of the drops hitting the ground. Saying a prayer for the homeless people outside. Homeless is not the right word. For many of them that is their home. Twenty-five papa steps away from my front door. Some faces I see ever day. I give out scarves and food and water when I have it. I don't carry cash but sometimes I have change. When I do it's theirs. Maybe this new world will guide us all into seeing ourselves in others. Others like them. Maybe seeing them is scary for some people though. Because if we stop and look into their faces and take time for a small chat maybe we will see that once they were just like us. With a house or apartment to go to. With food and a bed and someone to close by to love.

The last time I saw my therapist she told me that I was busy running and running trying to get to the next thing and earn more money and get this and that and I wasn't taking time to be in the life I'm living. Well, I'm in it. I don't need that next dress or to be at that next gig. I don't need anything more than what I have right now. I am so thankful. Thankful for everything I have. For what's important. For my health, my family and friends, for food and shelter. For creativity and a way to sell product. As best as I can I'm going to focus on what's good. I tried watching the news but it brings on panic attacks. So I don't. I'm holding on. To my health, my sanity, my hope. I'm going to accept that this slowdown is what I need. What the world needs. Minute by minute everyone. Minute. By. Minute.