*memoir under construction

The five of us were in the small white tent next door. I don't remember any of their names. Only hands. The big girl's hands that held my head down on his ashy dick. To suck. I was four and he was about nineteen. The girls were sixteen and seventeen. I think. And there was another boy. Little like me. He didn't have to suck dick because the big boy wasn't no fag. So there was just me and my tiny lips and throat and a dick. A dick. I always knew that boys had pee pees but this was my first dick. Perhaps pee pees grew into dicks. I must have done a real good job. Her hand forcing my head up and down. Way she inhales hissed and ahhhed. Then there was wet that was not spit from my choke.

"He peed in my mouth! He peed in my mouth!" I screamed and bolted out of the tent. I tried to race to my house just next door to my father who would beat that dick up if he knew. But the youngest and meanest of the big girls caught me. Tied a thick brown rope around my neck and lifted me to the clothes line cemented in the ground. Held my body as it swung. Threatened if I told. Said I was a nasty girl anyway. Said she would run tell my mother first because I was out here being fass. Being all nasty.

I was dirty. I have lived with being nasty and dirty my whole life. I was never clean enough for any man. No matter any of my accomplishments or deeds, no matter how great my actions to prove otherwise. No matter how fast I forgave, no matter how much I proved I would take. I never got clean.