Facebook post from Tuesday

Good morning, everyone. Yesterday I hit an emotional brick wall. Hard. It happens from time to time. The voices are slick, you know. They creep in soft and easy. Pretending to be my friends. But they only have negative things to say. And in the end I am left feeling old and fat and ugly and unlovable and insecure and hopeless. That is a huge danger zone for me because I go from being full of life to suicidal ideations like THAT! This bipolar brain is wired that way. But praise God for good friends. For a good therapist. For good margaritas at Pacos Tacos. For the best homegirl ever with the most comfortable couch. For good conversations. Praise for a new day. Moments like yesterday are really scary for me. Mostly because they seem permanent. I question every action I want to take with why bother. Why bother posting art? Why bother going for a walk? Why bother finishing the book? Why bother brushing my teeth? Why bother taking a shower? Getting dressed? Answering the email? Checking the voicemail? Answering the phone? Why bother living at all? If you have never experienced these feelings then please just sit back and listen. Please release your judgement. Please refrain from giving advice. Yes I believe in God. Yes I pray. Yes I have faith. Like you pray and believe and have faith and you still get headaches or high blood pressure or diabetes or leg cramps or whatever physical things you get. It's not physical for me. I fall into very dark mental clouds. Very dark. In those moments I am bothered by every single thing. Every single sound. Every single body. Every touch. Traffic, thoughts, disorder, people breathing, chewing, all of it. I am bothered by the sight of myself. Passing a mirror could make me want to die. I mean that. And the voices don't help. They are inside of my head mostly. They are very calm. You ever listen to guided meditations? How relaxed the speaker sounds? They sound like that. Except they peacefully tell me how hideous I am. In the most loving voices they tell me how the world would be better off without me. What a burden I am to my son. How embarrassed I should be for putting bad art and poetry into the world. How much further I should be in life, in my career. In the sweetest tones they tell me I should just take a long nap. The longest nap ever. How peaceful I would feel forever. It sounds weird but in the moment I believe them. All of them. Not at first. But them bitches be persistent. Then slowly, slowly, slowly they make sense. Then I walk around or lie in my bed mad at the world. Mad at all of you. Because none of you bothered to tell me how awful I was/am. Mad because you let my grotesque ass loose in the world with me thinking I was fly and ain't tell me the truth. I know none of this is true but in the moment this is what goes on in my head. I know I'm not the only one. Please resist the urge to tell me to tell me to pray. Like I ain't been. Like you pray too. Like you pray for your mama and daddy. For all the AIDS and COVID and cancer and dementia cases in the world. In your family too. Well I pray too. Check your mental privilege. I bounce back too you know. I remember whose I am. How beautiful I am too. How lovable. How fly. How these good words and poems and stories be touching people too. How my art brightens a wall too. How worthy a human I am too. The service I give to the world. To my mama and godmama and aunties nim too. I know I am a beast. I know you are out there too. I know there are others who feel like I do sometimes. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not unlovable. I love you. I get you. I lift you in prayer today if you are going through this now. These are not easy times. Take a break when you need to. Rest and walk and love up on yourselves when you can. Reach out when you can. The thoughts and voices will tell you not to bother folks with your woes but reach out anyway. There are numbers to dial. Come to my page if you want. Say it here if you want. I am not a therapist and I don't have the answers but maybe the saying will give you a little more space in your head. Because can't we all use a little more space? Stay though. Please stay. The world is not better off without you. I'm talking to myself too. Maybe you are not known by more than the two others in your home and the seven people you work with. Your body being here on this planet right now matters! You make a difference! Even if you can't see it. Even if nobody tells you. Even if you have no awards on your mantle. Even if you are in an abusive relationship or no relationship at all. You are lovable. The day does get brighter. Even if you can't see it. Stay. Please stay. You never know what somebody is going through or what might trigger another person. Let's normalize kindness over clapbacks. Can the new grind be hustling ways to serve others more? Can we wake up thinking of how we can make someone else's life better? All the hands we hold matter. All the smiles we give. The kind words. The prayers. The phone calls. The uplifting text messages. The compliments. The dolla dolla bills we give to strangers. It all matters. Maybe you don't have a dollar but you have a bottle of water. Give it. Maybe you have a banana or a blanket or t-shirt. Give. Give a ride. Buy two burgers and give away one. I don't know. Be creative. Mostly be kind. You don't know the thing that is going to send someone spiraling. Be good. What does it cost? I'm back today. So get ready for these good paintings on your timelines. Get ready for a poem or my push for books sales or whatever. Y'all know me. I ain't going nowhere. Not today.