Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Gratitude
I give thanks for this day. For packing and throwing things away and loading things in storage. I am thankful to be on this journey with my son. I am thankful for shelter and food and cool drinks. For being almost finished I give thanks. For the workout. For being tired. For having the storage space. I am thankful for my blessings. Thankful for a place to be next week. For good friends. For love. I give thanks for my family. I am thankful for love. Thankful for Uraeus. Thankful for my life.
Leaving apartment. Leaving stuff. Loading car.
Sunday, October 2018, 2018 8:54 Los Angeles. Home(ish).
This will probably be my last post from this apartment. I'll miss it. It was home for about five years. I'm getting sentimental. But that's ok. On to bigger and better adventures. We spent the day packing and we are still packing. I'm trying to meet a 4:00 deadline to give him the key. I haven't told him the time but I'm sure he's expecting to meet me about that time. We only had about two more trips to the storage unit. Uraeus thinks only one but I say a good two. Most of what we have in here not is not going with us. I've been putting things outside by the tree. Most of the rest is going in the trash can outside. I'm going to try to have the car loaded tonight so that at 9:30 in the morning when they open we can immediately unload and come back for another load then throw the big things away like the bed and headboard and desk. I'm leaving the couch and table here. They are too heavy to take out.
My breaks over. Have a good one.
Love yourselves.
This will probably be my last post from this apartment. I'll miss it. It was home for about five years. I'm getting sentimental. But that's ok. On to bigger and better adventures. We spent the day packing and we are still packing. I'm trying to meet a 4:00 deadline to give him the key. I haven't told him the time but I'm sure he's expecting to meet me about that time. We only had about two more trips to the storage unit. Uraeus thinks only one but I say a good two. Most of what we have in here not is not going with us. I've been putting things outside by the tree. Most of the rest is going in the trash can outside. I'm going to try to have the car loaded tonight so that at 9:30 in the morning when they open we can immediately unload and come back for another load then throw the big things away like the bed and headboard and desk. I'm leaving the couch and table here. They are too heavy to take out.
My breaks over. Have a good one.
Love yourselves.
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Gratitude
I give thanks for my blessed life. For my son. My mother. My family. My friends. I am so thankful for all that God has blessed me with and continues to bless me with. I am thankful for a working vehicle to carry all my stuff in and carry Uraeus and me around in also. I am thankful for food. For money. For wine. I am thankful for the help that Uraeus gives. For art. For poetry. For music. For dance. For creativity. I am thankful for love. For good health. For abundance.
Ntozake Shange. Feature. Old home.
Saturday, October 27, 2018 6:19pm Los Angeles. Home.
One of my favorite writers died today, Ntozake Shange! I love her work. If you don't know her name you probably remember her play For Colored Girls who have considered Suicide when the rainbow is enuf. From what I read she died in her sleep. Bless her. I didn't want to start my entry off with that but I just saw it on Facebook then Googled it hoping it wasn't true. It's true. Ntozake will live forever.
In other poetry news I had my feature today at the Encino-Tarzana library today and I think it went well. There was a nice crowd and the open mic was great. There was also a good presence from The World Stage. It was good to see Pam Ward since I don't get to see her much.
Right now I'm taking a break from loading the car with my stuff. I live upstairs and park in the back of the building. Going up and down those stairs is no joke. My back starts to hurt quickly so I take a small break after each load. I know that's a lot of breaks but you don't know my back!
It's setting in on me that I don't live here anymore but I keep calling this place home. Well hell, until I give him the keys on Monday I do live here and it is home. It's also setting in on me that God is going to continually watch over us. I'm counting all the blessings as joy. My car was in Long Beach last night because I had the Uhaul truck so I couldn't load the car. My friend who lives a few blocks away called me and asked if she could hire me to watch her young daughter while she went out. I agreed because. Every penny counts. That put a full tank of gas in my car. Then Pam gave me a note with some money in it today at the reading and I bought food. And Michelle gave me a bottle of wine today and that is totally God watching out for me because. God knows. I have enough for the next moment. I will keep that prayer and know that I will always have enough for the next moment.
Well, my break is over until the next load. If I sit too long I will call it a night and I'm nowhere near ready to do that. I hope you all have a great day.
Love yourselves.
One of my favorite writers died today, Ntozake Shange! I love her work. If you don't know her name you probably remember her play For Colored Girls who have considered Suicide when the rainbow is enuf. From what I read she died in her sleep. Bless her. I didn't want to start my entry off with that but I just saw it on Facebook then Googled it hoping it wasn't true. It's true. Ntozake will live forever.
In other poetry news I had my feature today at the Encino-Tarzana library today and I think it went well. There was a nice crowd and the open mic was great. There was also a good presence from The World Stage. It was good to see Pam Ward since I don't get to see her much.
Right now I'm taking a break from loading the car with my stuff. I live upstairs and park in the back of the building. Going up and down those stairs is no joke. My back starts to hurt quickly so I take a small break after each load. I know that's a lot of breaks but you don't know my back!
It's setting in on me that I don't live here anymore but I keep calling this place home. Well hell, until I give him the keys on Monday I do live here and it is home. It's also setting in on me that God is going to continually watch over us. I'm counting all the blessings as joy. My car was in Long Beach last night because I had the Uhaul truck so I couldn't load the car. My friend who lives a few blocks away called me and asked if she could hire me to watch her young daughter while she went out. I agreed because. Every penny counts. That put a full tank of gas in my car. Then Pam gave me a note with some money in it today at the reading and I bought food. And Michelle gave me a bottle of wine today and that is totally God watching out for me because. God knows. I have enough for the next moment. I will keep that prayer and know that I will always have enough for the next moment.
Well, my break is over until the next load. If I sit too long I will call it a night and I'm nowhere near ready to do that. I hope you all have a great day.
Love yourselves.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day. This beautiful, sunny day. Thankful for Uraeus. For friends and family. I am thankful for the Uhaul truck my mother got for me. Thankful for being able to see my doctor and case worker. For love and shelter. For food and water. For good health. I am thankful I am not depressed. I am thankful I am not in a manic state. I am thankful for all the stuff I have moved today and the stuff I have to move. I am thankful for stuff. For books and art and clothes and shoes and a tv and art supplies and toiletries and all the stuff. I am thankful for energy to move the things. I am thankful for ease in my spirit today. I give thanks for abundance. For knowing better days are coming. For accepting what is and appreciating it for the lesson and blessing it is.
Doctor. Case worker. Public Storage.
I saw my doctor today. As it turns out I wasn't slick in going to get my labs the day before my appointment because they have to be sent out and returned. He said it takes about five days for him to get them back. Well, we will discuss them on my next appointment next month. I told him about my moving situation and he, like I knew he would, suggested I see my case worker. I did. The doctor seemed really concerned which was a little surprising to me. He seems so distant. Not just him, I'm distant with him too. I need to change that. A part of me keeps hoping I'll wake up from this dream and my old doctor will be there again. I miss her.
I saw my case worker but he was busy and couldn't sit down with me as long as he wanted. He told me about some shared living space but I'm not that interested in living with people I don't know from the mental health center. I know how bad that sounds. I really really really do. But still. And because Uraeus is twenty years old he didn't think he could come with me. Nope. I'm interested in finding Uraeus a place and helping him pay for it until he can handle it on his own. I'll be ok. The perfect and divine right spot is out there for him. I know it is.
I just took a break from packing. Uraeus and I went to the Public Storage and dropped off the bookcases I want to keep. I will take the truck back tomorrow. Having the truck made things a lot easier. Now I'm surrounded by piles and piles of books and bags of clothes and art from the walls. Mostly books and clothes though. Just before I sat down to type this entry I was packing the clothes from my closet. My back hurts after too much time standing up. That's from years of lifting my clients. And lifting the wrong way. It's only 7:21 I'll pack some more bags before I go to sleep. Uraeus doesn't think we have that much stuff but once we start going up and down the stairs tomorrow back to back I believe he will change his mind. Or maybe he was saying that he didn't have that much stuff like we are only moving our own things. Nope. This is our rug, our tv. He's not like that anyway. He's always down to help. I love him. He's my favorite human.
In other news, I told you my mother was buying a house right? I'm moving in with her. My aunt is too. Uraeus doesn't want to. He wants his own place. I don't blame him. We won't be ready to move in until late next year anyway so I'm carrying on business as usual but I'm excited about each new step with the house. As long as my mother and Uraeus are happy, I'm happy too.
I believe I'll get back to packing. I hope you all had a good day today. It was lovely here in Los Angeles.
Love yourselves.
I saw my case worker but he was busy and couldn't sit down with me as long as he wanted. He told me about some shared living space but I'm not that interested in living with people I don't know from the mental health center. I know how bad that sounds. I really really really do. But still. And because Uraeus is twenty years old he didn't think he could come with me. Nope. I'm interested in finding Uraeus a place and helping him pay for it until he can handle it on his own. I'll be ok. The perfect and divine right spot is out there for him. I know it is.
I just took a break from packing. Uraeus and I went to the Public Storage and dropped off the bookcases I want to keep. I will take the truck back tomorrow. Having the truck made things a lot easier. Now I'm surrounded by piles and piles of books and bags of clothes and art from the walls. Mostly books and clothes though. Just before I sat down to type this entry I was packing the clothes from my closet. My back hurts after too much time standing up. That's from years of lifting my clients. And lifting the wrong way. It's only 7:21 I'll pack some more bags before I go to sleep. Uraeus doesn't think we have that much stuff but once we start going up and down the stairs tomorrow back to back I believe he will change his mind. Or maybe he was saying that he didn't have that much stuff like we are only moving our own things. Nope. This is our rug, our tv. He's not like that anyway. He's always down to help. I love him. He's my favorite human.
In other news, I told you my mother was buying a house right? I'm moving in with her. My aunt is too. Uraeus doesn't want to. He wants his own place. I don't blame him. We won't be ready to move in until late next year anyway so I'm carrying on business as usual but I'm excited about each new step with the house. As long as my mother and Uraeus are happy, I'm happy too.
I believe I'll get back to packing. I hope you all had a good day today. It was lovely here in Los Angeles.
Love yourselves.
Moving truck. Loading. Encino.
Friday, October 26, 2018 1:28pm Los Angeles. Home.
I just got back from getting the truck. My mother got it for me so I had to go down to Long Beach to pick it up. It's a monster so it will hold all of our things. The down side is that I had to leave my car in Long Beach and now I have to drive this big ass Uhaul truck to my appointment with the doctor today at 3. When I get back we will start loading the truck. I thought packing made moving real, pulling up in a big moving truck really makes it real. The other down side is that I have to have the truck back in Long Beach by 10am because it's already booked so that gives us one day to do all of this. And I have this feature in Encino at 2pm so I'll have to be on the road for that. I don't know how I'm getting from the Uhaul place to my mom's house but I guess I'll work that out later. Also we do have a place to go on Monday so that's good. More later, gonna take a quick nap now.
Love yourselves.
I just got back from getting the truck. My mother got it for me so I had to go down to Long Beach to pick it up. It's a monster so it will hold all of our things. The down side is that I had to leave my car in Long Beach and now I have to drive this big ass Uhaul truck to my appointment with the doctor today at 3. When I get back we will start loading the truck. I thought packing made moving real, pulling up in a big moving truck really makes it real. The other down side is that I have to have the truck back in Long Beach by 10am because it's already booked so that gives us one day to do all of this. And I have this feature in Encino at 2pm so I'll have to be on the road for that. I don't know how I'm getting from the Uhaul place to my mom's house but I guess I'll work that out later. Also we do have a place to go on Monday so that's good. More later, gonna take a quick nap now.
Love yourselves.
Thursday, October 25, 2018
Labs. Long Beach. Voting.
Thursday, October 25, 2018 6:42pm Los Angeles. Home.
So yes, I got up and went and got my labs done this morning. I've been putting it off long enough. I walked passed my Dr. and said hello to him but he didn't even recognize me. No biggie. We really don't have a relationship. He's kinda, the guy who gives me my meds.
All in all I had an ok day today. Got my labs done. Went to Long Beach to meet up with my mother. We went to vote early today. It was good just spending time with her. Uraeus tackled some of the packing here. There's more to do. I called my landlord to see if we could leave on Monday instead of Friday. He just called back and said yes. That's good. I'm going to take a nap and get some packing in tonight. I'll get a truck tomorrow and take everything down to the storage between tomorrow and Saturday. I also have a show on Saturday at a library in Encino. I booked this show like in January and here we are already in October. I had forgotten about it.
So before I go to sleep I'm going to go find something to eat.
Love yourselves.
So yes, I got up and went and got my labs done this morning. I've been putting it off long enough. I walked passed my Dr. and said hello to him but he didn't even recognize me. No biggie. We really don't have a relationship. He's kinda, the guy who gives me my meds.
All in all I had an ok day today. Got my labs done. Went to Long Beach to meet up with my mother. We went to vote early today. It was good just spending time with her. Uraeus tackled some of the packing here. There's more to do. I called my landlord to see if we could leave on Monday instead of Friday. He just called back and said yes. That's good. I'm going to take a nap and get some packing in tonight. I'll get a truck tomorrow and take everything down to the storage between tomorrow and Saturday. I also have a show on Saturday at a library in Encino. I booked this show like in January and here we are already in October. I had forgotten about it.
So before I go to sleep I'm going to go find something to eat.
Love yourselves.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Down. Clutter. Enough for now.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018 8:14pm Los Angeles. Home.
Today I was feeling kinda down and so I didn't do one thing. Not one damn thing. I didn't even start packing my books until about twenty minutes ago. I just felt crippled. I am determined though to not get all the way down. Not down to the ground down. Not so down I can't get myself up. God does all the lifting though. I just accept it and keep pulling.
Clutter is a huge trigger for me and that's what I'm in right now. A mound of clutter. This pile is set to go to storage, this pile to the trash, this pile I'm gonna sit outside by the tree and hope someone claims it. Piles and piles and piles. And I haven't even gotten to the clothes in my closet yet. Haven't cleaned out the fridge, haven't mopped the floors, haven't taken the rug out yet. There is stuff to do and I'm supposed to have it all done by Friday. I don't think that's gonna happen so I'm going to ask for an extinction until Monday. I think he will give it to me. The other part is people have offered to help but the place is so small that more people might just make it worse. This place is going to get cleaned out at a pace Uraeus and I can handle. I think Monday will be fine as long as I don't have any more down days. I can't afford any more of those.
I have enough for the very next moment. That's what I keep saying to myself. I have enough gas for the next moment, enough money to eat, I have enough for the next moment. Thinking too far ahead is what gets me down. Right now I can only think as far as Monday. Then something will show up. It just will. I don't know if I've ever been here before. Not here. Not this here. But I'm here now.
I'm going to get my labs tomorrow. Yes I really am this time. I wish I hadn't waited so long because my doctors appointment is the next day and I have to drive back out there. I need to see him too. I need to tell him what's going on.
I've been sleeping on and off all day and I'm still tired. That's that depression though. That down tired. I'm going to load one more box of books and then turn in.
Love yourselves.
Today I was feeling kinda down and so I didn't do one thing. Not one damn thing. I didn't even start packing my books until about twenty minutes ago. I just felt crippled. I am determined though to not get all the way down. Not down to the ground down. Not so down I can't get myself up. God does all the lifting though. I just accept it and keep pulling.
Clutter is a huge trigger for me and that's what I'm in right now. A mound of clutter. This pile is set to go to storage, this pile to the trash, this pile I'm gonna sit outside by the tree and hope someone claims it. Piles and piles and piles. And I haven't even gotten to the clothes in my closet yet. Haven't cleaned out the fridge, haven't mopped the floors, haven't taken the rug out yet. There is stuff to do and I'm supposed to have it all done by Friday. I don't think that's gonna happen so I'm going to ask for an extinction until Monday. I think he will give it to me. The other part is people have offered to help but the place is so small that more people might just make it worse. This place is going to get cleaned out at a pace Uraeus and I can handle. I think Monday will be fine as long as I don't have any more down days. I can't afford any more of those.
I have enough for the very next moment. That's what I keep saying to myself. I have enough gas for the next moment, enough money to eat, I have enough for the next moment. Thinking too far ahead is what gets me down. Right now I can only think as far as Monday. Then something will show up. It just will. I don't know if I've ever been here before. Not here. Not this here. But I'm here now.
I'm going to get my labs tomorrow. Yes I really am this time. I wish I hadn't waited so long because my doctors appointment is the next day and I have to drive back out there. I need to see him too. I need to tell him what's going on.
I've been sleeping on and off all day and I'm still tired. That's that depression though. That down tired. I'm going to load one more box of books and then turn in.
Love yourselves.
Shmoney! Right on time.
Oh, and my check finally came from the museum. So glad because I thought it was going to come after I moved and that would have been a problem because. Broke. But it came. Right on time.
No labs. Storage. V.
Wednesday, October 24, 2018 12:19am Los Angeles. Home.
First off, nope I didn't go get my labs done today. Thursday is the last day I have before my doctors appointment so I will go then. I know you don't believe me. I barely believe myself. But I'm going Thursday. So there's that.
We got our storage space today. Some place close to where we are now and a pretty decent rate I think. It will also hold all of our stuff. I had planned to move some of our things in there today but it didn't happen either. I'm not moving as fast as I would like to be but I'm moving so that counts. I think it counts. Yeah, it counts. I've organized things to be moved but haven't really moved anything. Well, I made a few trips to the trash can so that's like moving things. I'll do more tomorrow.
I'm just getting home a few minutes ago. I took V to get water then went to drop off a key at my cousin's place then since I was in Inglewood and tired of looking at piles of stuff in my home I called Dietra. Glad she was home. I bought a couple bottles of wine and popcorn and went to watch tv with her. We watched This is Us. Love that show but I never get to watch it. Friendship is priceless. We watched tv, talked, and just got each other for a few hours. I needed that and maybe she did too. Thank God for friends.
I don't have much else today except I hope everyone gets some good rest and enjoys your day.
Love yourselves.
Oh, I talked to Therman and that was good. He might come down for my mother's birthday party on the 11th. Same day as Red Stories by the way. But her party starts at 3 and Red Stories is at 8. We'll work it out.
First off, nope I didn't go get my labs done today. Thursday is the last day I have before my doctors appointment so I will go then. I know you don't believe me. I barely believe myself. But I'm going Thursday. So there's that.
We got our storage space today. Some place close to where we are now and a pretty decent rate I think. It will also hold all of our stuff. I had planned to move some of our things in there today but it didn't happen either. I'm not moving as fast as I would like to be but I'm moving so that counts. I think it counts. Yeah, it counts. I've organized things to be moved but haven't really moved anything. Well, I made a few trips to the trash can so that's like moving things. I'll do more tomorrow.
I'm just getting home a few minutes ago. I took V to get water then went to drop off a key at my cousin's place then since I was in Inglewood and tired of looking at piles of stuff in my home I called Dietra. Glad she was home. I bought a couple bottles of wine and popcorn and went to watch tv with her. We watched This is Us. Love that show but I never get to watch it. Friendship is priceless. We watched tv, talked, and just got each other for a few hours. I needed that and maybe she did too. Thank God for friends.
I don't have much else today except I hope everyone gets some good rest and enjoys your day.
Love yourselves.
Oh, I talked to Therman and that was good. He might come down for my mother's birthday party on the 11th. Same day as Red Stories by the way. But her party starts at 3 and Red Stories is at 8. We'll work it out.
Monday, October 22, 2018
Nspire. Whatever. Me.
Oh, I took a picture with Nspire tonight and I think I look so ugly in the picture. But, as Sonya Renee Taylor would say, The Body is not an Apology! So I left it up on Facebook and Instagram. Whatever. I'm loving all of me. I might not like all of me, but I'm loving me for sure.
Gratitude
Tonight I give thanks for my life. My whole life. Every single day of it. I am thankful for the journey. I give thanks for my son. For his kind heart, his patience, his wisdom, his joy. I am thankful for my mother. For my sister. My family. My friends. I am thankful for laughter. I am thankful for peace. I am thankful for this ease in my head. For my meds. For clothing and shelter. For water and food. I am thankful for safety. For freedom. I am thankful that I have the spirit of thanksgiving. Thankful for being home. Thankful for all the stuff I have packed up today and the stuff I have left to pack. Thankful for time and energy. Thankful for space. For my health. My mental and spiritual and physical health. Thankful for those praying for me. For doors that will open. Doors I don't even know about. Thankful for good opportunities. For art, poetry, music, dance, photography, all of if. I am thankful.
Packing progress. CLI. Pressing on.
Monday, October 22, 2018 10:59pm Los Angeles. Home.
Tonight was a good night. Today was a good day too but tonight was better. I spent the day packing and that wasn't fun but I did feel like I was getting some work in. I made quite a dent too. Tomorrow Uraeus and I are going to go and get a storage for our things that we want to keep. Mostly it's our clothes, my books and bookcases, microwave, art, stuff like that. I took most of the stuff off of the walls today. I'll do the rest tomorrow as well as empty the bookcases. I gave two of the bookcases to V so we will deliver those tomorrow. I have an early doctors appointment tomorrow. I've been avoiding this appointment for a month now. What am I avoiding? I don't know. It's just lab work. Nothing scary. I just don't want to do it. But I will get up in the morning, if I'm blessed enough to get up in the morning, and carry my self down there.
Tonight was CLI night at USC. Class was great. Penelope is an amazing instructor. I am so honored to be her assistant. She doesn't like the term assistant. She calls me the co teacher but I know my lane. I taught that class for four years and now I am happy to be the assistant. After CLI I went down to Leimert Park to hear some live music and poetry. It was good. Really good. It was packed! I saw Brother Solomon there tonight too. That was a blessing. George was there and we had some good laughs also Nspire and Bridgette and Jessica. I can't name everyone there but it was dope. And free. And the food is good. The food is kinda pricey though. But there is no cover at the door and the vibe is great. I had popcorn. Best popcorn I ever had too. It tasted like chicken! I swear it did!
And so how am I really? Like for real on the inside? Well I'm pressing on but I'm a little scared. Just a little. I am still trusting but it's still a little scary. That's how I am. Then I look at my son and I know I have to keep going for him.
My client's son just sent me the information for the funeral service for his mother. I don't know if I'll go. I might but...I don't know. That's going to be a big funeral I know. She knew everyone at the church and everyone knew her. My mother said she wants to go though. We'll see.
I'm going to turn in tonight. I'm not going to take my meds because they make me sleepy and I don't want to talk myself into not going to my appointment in the morning.
Be good to each other.
Love yourselves.
Tonight was a good night. Today was a good day too but tonight was better. I spent the day packing and that wasn't fun but I did feel like I was getting some work in. I made quite a dent too. Tomorrow Uraeus and I are going to go and get a storage for our things that we want to keep. Mostly it's our clothes, my books and bookcases, microwave, art, stuff like that. I took most of the stuff off of the walls today. I'll do the rest tomorrow as well as empty the bookcases. I gave two of the bookcases to V so we will deliver those tomorrow. I have an early doctors appointment tomorrow. I've been avoiding this appointment for a month now. What am I avoiding? I don't know. It's just lab work. Nothing scary. I just don't want to do it. But I will get up in the morning, if I'm blessed enough to get up in the morning, and carry my self down there.
Tonight was CLI night at USC. Class was great. Penelope is an amazing instructor. I am so honored to be her assistant. She doesn't like the term assistant. She calls me the co teacher but I know my lane. I taught that class for four years and now I am happy to be the assistant. After CLI I went down to Leimert Park to hear some live music and poetry. It was good. Really good. It was packed! I saw Brother Solomon there tonight too. That was a blessing. George was there and we had some good laughs also Nspire and Bridgette and Jessica. I can't name everyone there but it was dope. And free. And the food is good. The food is kinda pricey though. But there is no cover at the door and the vibe is great. I had popcorn. Best popcorn I ever had too. It tasted like chicken! I swear it did!
And so how am I really? Like for real on the inside? Well I'm pressing on but I'm a little scared. Just a little. I am still trusting but it's still a little scary. That's how I am. Then I look at my son and I know I have to keep going for him.
My client's son just sent me the information for the funeral service for his mother. I don't know if I'll go. I might but...I don't know. That's going to be a big funeral I know. She knew everyone at the church and everyone knew her. My mother said she wants to go though. We'll see.
I'm going to turn in tonight. I'm not going to take my meds because they make me sleepy and I don't want to talk myself into not going to my appointment in the morning.
Be good to each other.
Love yourselves.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Client died. Packing to do. Tired.
Sunday, October 21, 2018 8:31pm Los Angeles. Home.
My client in Long Beach passed away this morning at 3:16. Immediately I thought about how John 3:16 was one of her favorite Bible verses. She would have me open the Bible up to that page before I left. It's a trip that she's gone. I prayed for her family. She is at peace though. This is what she wanted. She used to lie in her bed and scream, "Come get me, Lord! Come get me!" And now her time has come. She's not suffering. She's not in pain. She's free.
Here on earth, I still haven't started packing. I worked today and I thought I was going to have all this energy to pack after work but I don't. I'm tired when I get home. I will start first thing tomorrow. Part of my hold up is that I'm waiting on a check to get a storage with. I wasn't going to get a storage but I really need one. I have bags of clothes and so does Uraeus and we need a place we can get to them without having to wait until someone is home or anything like that. Camari is checking on the check for me. Spending this money on a storage is going to leave little for a hotel so I'm going to have to call a friend to see if there is room at the inn. Losing my Long Beach client was not just an emotional loss but a loss of income for me. What did I tell you about praying for change? It happens. I've been saying that I'm tired of doing this kind of work and this happens. This isn't the first time I've lost a client but it's the first time I've been in the situation I'm in and have lost a paycheck. She was more than a job, more than a paycheck. She was a human being. She was a spirit God and her family trusted me to take care of. And I took that responsibility seriously.
So like I said, I came home tired and low and behold Uraeus found a way to get the wine opened. I told you before I have a super cheap corkscrew and it got stuck in the cork and was not giving in at all. So I had this wonderful bottle of Merlot looking at me. Well I came home and Uraeus had gotten it off for me. He didn't even say anything he just let me find it ready for me. I love him. I don't know what made him do it because he doesn't even drink. Can't even stand the smell of alcohol. My son knows me.
Wyatt just emailed me about a show I agreed to do for him on Saturday. I agreed to do this show early in the year and totally forgot about it. I hope it pays or there are people there who will purchase my book from me. That would be right on time.
So pray I get this check before Friday or that I am able to pick it up. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter of my story, please let it be a good one, because I'm tired of talking about packing and moving and not knowing where I'm going.
I had a good nap so I might just get some packing in tonight after all.
Love yourselves.
My client in Long Beach passed away this morning at 3:16. Immediately I thought about how John 3:16 was one of her favorite Bible verses. She would have me open the Bible up to that page before I left. It's a trip that she's gone. I prayed for her family. She is at peace though. This is what she wanted. She used to lie in her bed and scream, "Come get me, Lord! Come get me!" And now her time has come. She's not suffering. She's not in pain. She's free.
Here on earth, I still haven't started packing. I worked today and I thought I was going to have all this energy to pack after work but I don't. I'm tired when I get home. I will start first thing tomorrow. Part of my hold up is that I'm waiting on a check to get a storage with. I wasn't going to get a storage but I really need one. I have bags of clothes and so does Uraeus and we need a place we can get to them without having to wait until someone is home or anything like that. Camari is checking on the check for me. Spending this money on a storage is going to leave little for a hotel so I'm going to have to call a friend to see if there is room at the inn. Losing my Long Beach client was not just an emotional loss but a loss of income for me. What did I tell you about praying for change? It happens. I've been saying that I'm tired of doing this kind of work and this happens. This isn't the first time I've lost a client but it's the first time I've been in the situation I'm in and have lost a paycheck. She was more than a job, more than a paycheck. She was a human being. She was a spirit God and her family trusted me to take care of. And I took that responsibility seriously.
So like I said, I came home tired and low and behold Uraeus found a way to get the wine opened. I told you before I have a super cheap corkscrew and it got stuck in the cork and was not giving in at all. So I had this wonderful bottle of Merlot looking at me. Well I came home and Uraeus had gotten it off for me. He didn't even say anything he just let me find it ready for me. I love him. I don't know what made him do it because he doesn't even drink. Can't even stand the smell of alcohol. My son knows me.
Wyatt just emailed me about a show I agreed to do for him on Saturday. I agreed to do this show early in the year and totally forgot about it. I hope it pays or there are people there who will purchase my book from me. That would be right on time.
So pray I get this check before Friday or that I am able to pick it up. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter of my story, please let it be a good one, because I'm tired of talking about packing and moving and not knowing where I'm going.
I had a good nap so I might just get some packing in tonight after all.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day. This quiet. This moment. Thankful that I have enough to make it through the next moment. I have what I need. Thankful that I will always have what I need when I need it. I am trusting. I am floating. I am riding this cloud. I don't know where it will take me but I know I will get there on time and safely. I am thankful for Uraeus who is brave and loving and the sweetest spirit I know. I am thankful for my mother. For my family. My friends who make me laugh and are there when I need to talk or just be. I am thankful for my home. For shelter and food. For money and clothes. For love and peace. For ease in my head. I am thankful for the meds I take. Thankful for sanity. For joy. I am thankful for joy all around me.
Packing intention. Client dying. Moving where?
Sunday, October 21, 2018 12:32am Los Angeles. Home.
So it was my intention to start packing yesterday but I didn't. Packing just makes things real. That make sense? Well I didn't pack. Last night though I went to a poetry spot at a cigar lounge and I had a great time. Kooki was the feature and Iyesha was the host. A good time was had by all. Especially me. But now I'm back to my real life and I gotta get it together.
My client's son sent me a message last night telling me that nurse said that my client has started the process of dying. Dying is serious business, y'all. Her body is shutting down. They didn't expect her to be here yesterday but she's still standing. Well, not standing but here. The last time I saw her I knew it would be the last time I would see her. I have a knack for knowing such things. It's a curse. I knew with my grandfather too. In her son's message he said that he would see me Tuesday meaning for my regular work shift but I just don't think so. I'm praying for the family and for her and I hope her transition is easy and that the family is strong. Not strong like no tears because she's Mama and there will be tears, but strong like knowing that she is not suffering anymore and able to find some comfort in that. They will grieve because that's what's normal and healthy. But I pray that their process is smooth. As smooth as it can be. This is not easy. You know what I mean.
Meanwhile, I still don't know where I'm going to live or how I'm going to pay for it when I get there but I know I'll be all right. I'm holding on to that so tightly.
Another client called me last night to see if I could work tomorrow (today) at noon. I accepted and am looking forward to working with this client. She's my favorite. And the money will be right on time.
Wish me well. I'm loving you.
Love yourselves.
So it was my intention to start packing yesterday but I didn't. Packing just makes things real. That make sense? Well I didn't pack. Last night though I went to a poetry spot at a cigar lounge and I had a great time. Kooki was the feature and Iyesha was the host. A good time was had by all. Especially me. But now I'm back to my real life and I gotta get it together.
My client's son sent me a message last night telling me that nurse said that my client has started the process of dying. Dying is serious business, y'all. Her body is shutting down. They didn't expect her to be here yesterday but she's still standing. Well, not standing but here. The last time I saw her I knew it would be the last time I would see her. I have a knack for knowing such things. It's a curse. I knew with my grandfather too. In her son's message he said that he would see me Tuesday meaning for my regular work shift but I just don't think so. I'm praying for the family and for her and I hope her transition is easy and that the family is strong. Not strong like no tears because she's Mama and there will be tears, but strong like knowing that she is not suffering anymore and able to find some comfort in that. They will grieve because that's what's normal and healthy. But I pray that their process is smooth. As smooth as it can be. This is not easy. You know what I mean.
Meanwhile, I still don't know where I'm going to live or how I'm going to pay for it when I get there but I know I'll be all right. I'm holding on to that so tightly.
Another client called me last night to see if I could work tomorrow (today) at noon. I accepted and am looking forward to working with this client. She's my favorite. And the money will be right on time.
Wish me well. I'm loving you.
Love yourselves.
Friday, October 19, 2018
Gratitude
I am thankful for waking up this day. Thankful for Uraeus. For my friends and family. I am thankful for peace and ease in my head during this time. Especially during this time. I am thankful for Valerie. For love and food and shelter. Thankful for this apartment. For Camari. For my nephew who reached out to me on Instagram. For clothes and health and laughter. I am thankful for the little things in my life. Down to my magazines. My notebooks. My journals. I am thankful for so much. I am so blessed. I know it. I know I am.
Camari. Moving. Good things.
Friday, October 19, 2018 9:31pm Los Angeles. Home.
I hope you're all well. I am doing well. I had a meeting with Camari this morning. Camari is an amazing amazing young woman who agreed to work as my personal assistant. She is super talented and I would be a total crazy person to turn down such an offer. I don't pay her much money but I give her some. I am super thankful to have her in my life. Thanks to her I don't have to get a public storage for my books. She has found some place to store them for me. God is good. So is Camari. That's the only thing I really needed storage for, everything else (except the microwave) I'm going to get rid of. I tried to sell my couch that lets out into a really comfortable bed for $50 and someone offered me $10. What did I say to that? Come get it. Hopefully he really will get it because otherwise it will end up on the street for the dogs to pee on. And how the hell is it going to get to the street? It's way to heavy for Uraues and me to carry it down the stairs. Ooops, I should have mentioned that the couch weighs a million pounds and I live upstairs. Oh well.
I'm getting a little excited about this move for some reason. I guess because it's new and different. I talked to the owner of the building and I told him I would be out by Friday. I can do it. Being out of the place is not my biggest challenge. Finding a place by then is. But we will be somewhere safe. And clean. And in the will of God. Somewhere.
I didn't work today because I rarely work on Fridays. I have meetings or do some work from home or paint or push my book sales on Fridays. Today I had an incredibly productive meeting with Camari. I don't want to talk about what we talked about just yet because it's not time but good things are coming. Good things.
Oh I have a bit of bad news. Ok it's not bad news bad news, it's just bad news. I lost my corkscrew opener and so I bought the super cheap one form the liquor store because. Broke. and the damned thing is stuck in the cork and I can't get it out or open the bottle of wine. So there is this full bottle of really good wine staring at me from the table and I can't drink it. Is that a sign? Michelle, if you're reading this it's the bottle you gave me for my birthday along with the poems. I was gonna read the poems with the wine. Now I'll just read the poems with water. I'm so privileged. I really am you know. I forget sometimes but I am and I forget to check my privilege.
Uraeus is out working right now. I can't really sleep while he is out. Not that I'm sleepy anyway but even if I was sleepy I couldn't sleep. When he's out I'm up. Praying. That's who I am.
I'm going to start packing tomorrow. I've been looking around long enough but after my meeting today with Camari I have some good direction. She even gave me some bins to put my books in. I'll load my books tomorrow so that I can deliver them to where they are going on Monday. V is taking two of my bookcases and I think I can sell or give the others away. They are good bookcases. I'm just happy I get to keep my books. I was tired of starting my book collection all over every time I moved. Oh, V is also going to hold on to the rug I have. I absolutely love my rug. A poet I know named Peggy gave it to me. It's big and reddish and soft. I love it. V will hold it for me. Hopefully she will use it while she has it. It's a rug to be used. What else? What else? What else? I think that's it for tonight. I hope you all rest well.
Love yourselves.
I hope you're all well. I am doing well. I had a meeting with Camari this morning. Camari is an amazing amazing young woman who agreed to work as my personal assistant. She is super talented and I would be a total crazy person to turn down such an offer. I don't pay her much money but I give her some. I am super thankful to have her in my life. Thanks to her I don't have to get a public storage for my books. She has found some place to store them for me. God is good. So is Camari. That's the only thing I really needed storage for, everything else (except the microwave) I'm going to get rid of. I tried to sell my couch that lets out into a really comfortable bed for $50 and someone offered me $10. What did I say to that? Come get it. Hopefully he really will get it because otherwise it will end up on the street for the dogs to pee on. And how the hell is it going to get to the street? It's way to heavy for Uraues and me to carry it down the stairs. Ooops, I should have mentioned that the couch weighs a million pounds and I live upstairs. Oh well.
I'm getting a little excited about this move for some reason. I guess because it's new and different. I talked to the owner of the building and I told him I would be out by Friday. I can do it. Being out of the place is not my biggest challenge. Finding a place by then is. But we will be somewhere safe. And clean. And in the will of God. Somewhere.
I didn't work today because I rarely work on Fridays. I have meetings or do some work from home or paint or push my book sales on Fridays. Today I had an incredibly productive meeting with Camari. I don't want to talk about what we talked about just yet because it's not time but good things are coming. Good things.
Oh I have a bit of bad news. Ok it's not bad news bad news, it's just bad news. I lost my corkscrew opener and so I bought the super cheap one form the liquor store because. Broke. and the damned thing is stuck in the cork and I can't get it out or open the bottle of wine. So there is this full bottle of really good wine staring at me from the table and I can't drink it. Is that a sign? Michelle, if you're reading this it's the bottle you gave me for my birthday along with the poems. I was gonna read the poems with the wine. Now I'll just read the poems with water. I'm so privileged. I really am you know. I forget sometimes but I am and I forget to check my privilege.
Uraeus is out working right now. I can't really sleep while he is out. Not that I'm sleepy anyway but even if I was sleepy I couldn't sleep. When he's out I'm up. Praying. That's who I am.
I'm going to start packing tomorrow. I've been looking around long enough but after my meeting today with Camari I have some good direction. She even gave me some bins to put my books in. I'll load my books tomorrow so that I can deliver them to where they are going on Monday. V is taking two of my bookcases and I think I can sell or give the others away. They are good bookcases. I'm just happy I get to keep my books. I was tired of starting my book collection all over every time I moved. Oh, V is also going to hold on to the rug I have. I absolutely love my rug. A poet I know named Peggy gave it to me. It's big and reddish and soft. I love it. V will hold it for me. Hopefully she will use it while she has it. It's a rug to be used. What else? What else? What else? I think that's it for tonight. I hope you all rest well.
Love yourselves.
Client dying. No worry, no cry. After midnight.
Thursday, October 18, 2018 11:55pm Los Angeles. Home.
Just got in from work. My client is dying. This is the hard part. The waiting. She sleeps mostly. I have to try to make her comfortable. Perhaps this is how she will leave us. A long sleep until the last breath and then she will be gone. Not gone. Just...not here. With her Lord. Her Jesus. Her Savior. Her Christ. There is a part of me that doesn't want it to happen on my watch. But if it does I am prepared for that too. I am ok. God's will be done.
This will be another client I am losing. More money I am losing. But I promised myself I wouldn't worry about that today. I am worried though, a little. Inside of me though, there is this knowing though, that everything is going to work out. I have to trust it. Especially now. I talked to my landlord today and gave him a verbal notice that we are moving. I have to give him a letter also, soon. I'm going to need some time though to get my stuff out of here and lock down a place. For now, we are going to be in a hotel I pay by the week. That's not my favorite plan but it's the one I have and it beats being outside. We're not going to end up outside anyway. I do have faith in that.
So I didn't end up going to get my labs today. I don't know why. I just didn't feel like getting up and I know I can do it on Tuesday. I'm pushing it though because they have to be done before I see my doctor. I think there is something I am afraid the tests will show. I pray there is nothing wrong with my kidneys. I also pray I am not diabetic. Pray for me too, ok?
I have an early meeting in the morning plus tons of stuff to work out and it's already after midnight. I'm going to turn in. I hope you all get some good good rest.
Love yourselves.
Just got in from work. My client is dying. This is the hard part. The waiting. She sleeps mostly. I have to try to make her comfortable. Perhaps this is how she will leave us. A long sleep until the last breath and then she will be gone. Not gone. Just...not here. With her Lord. Her Jesus. Her Savior. Her Christ. There is a part of me that doesn't want it to happen on my watch. But if it does I am prepared for that too. I am ok. God's will be done.
This will be another client I am losing. More money I am losing. But I promised myself I wouldn't worry about that today. I am worried though, a little. Inside of me though, there is this knowing though, that everything is going to work out. I have to trust it. Especially now. I talked to my landlord today and gave him a verbal notice that we are moving. I have to give him a letter also, soon. I'm going to need some time though to get my stuff out of here and lock down a place. For now, we are going to be in a hotel I pay by the week. That's not my favorite plan but it's the one I have and it beats being outside. We're not going to end up outside anyway. I do have faith in that.
So I didn't end up going to get my labs today. I don't know why. I just didn't feel like getting up and I know I can do it on Tuesday. I'm pushing it though because they have to be done before I see my doctor. I think there is something I am afraid the tests will show. I pray there is nothing wrong with my kidneys. I also pray I am not diabetic. Pray for me too, ok?
I have an early meeting in the morning plus tons of stuff to work out and it's already after midnight. I'm going to turn in. I hope you all get some good good rest.
Love yourselves.
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Gratitude
I am thankful for this moment. This quiet. This peace. This ease. I am thankful for life. For Uraeus. For seeing my mom, sister and niece yesterday. For work. For friends and family. I am thankful for love. For food and shelter. For clothes and books and water. For wine and juice. For all the things in this apartment. For this apartment. I am thankful for good memories. I am thankful for good rest. Good good rest.
Easy shift. Figuring it out. No labs.
Thursday, October 18, 2018 12:37am Los Angeles. Home.
Hello all. I hope your day was well. Mine was. My shift with my client was pretty easy. She is close to the end now so mostly I watch her and try to interpret her groans and see what she wants. She doesn't want much these days. I sit with her and pray for her and her family. I'll be there again tonight. She's not eating anything but ice chips and Monday I fed her some Ensure through a syringe. Tonight she only had a few ice chips. I'm concerned about her family after she goes. They are tough now but when that time comes it's hard. Nothing like a parent.
I have to get some more clients or figure something else out quickly because after I get Uraeus in this room I'm going to be the one paying the majority of the rent there. I have a few gigs lined up and that's good but I will need more soon. I really am on this kick where I am just not stressing myself out about it though. Stress is a killer for me. It takes me out and I can't afford to be out. I have to be as in as possible.
I didn't go get my labs done on Tuesday like I said I would so I have to do it tomorrow because my appointment with my doctor is on the 26th and that's coming up soon. I don't like getting up early. I really don't. But I have to so I am just going to do it.
Well, I'm going to hit it. I hope y'all get some good rest.
Love yourselves.
Hello all. I hope your day was well. Mine was. My shift with my client was pretty easy. She is close to the end now so mostly I watch her and try to interpret her groans and see what she wants. She doesn't want much these days. I sit with her and pray for her and her family. I'll be there again tonight. She's not eating anything but ice chips and Monday I fed her some Ensure through a syringe. Tonight she only had a few ice chips. I'm concerned about her family after she goes. They are tough now but when that time comes it's hard. Nothing like a parent.
I have to get some more clients or figure something else out quickly because after I get Uraeus in this room I'm going to be the one paying the majority of the rent there. I have a few gigs lined up and that's good but I will need more soon. I really am on this kick where I am just not stressing myself out about it though. Stress is a killer for me. It takes me out and I can't afford to be out. I have to be as in as possible.
I didn't go get my labs done on Tuesday like I said I would so I have to do it tomorrow because my appointment with my doctor is on the 26th and that's coming up soon. I don't like getting up early. I really don't. But I have to so I am just going to do it.
Well, I'm going to hit it. I hope y'all get some good rest.
Love yourselves.
Hey sexy
Me: I don't have money to get a haircut.
Mom: Oh, knew it was something.
I'm glad that she knows that this is a lot of hair for me.
Holding on
My body is freaking out a little bit with all this change coming my way but my spirit is like, nah, we good.
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Gratitude
I give thanks for life today. For a beautiful day. For Uraeus and friends and family. For my mother. I give thanks for a hug from my niece. For peace in my head. I give thanks for trusting. For a space to get the words out of my head. For love. For work. For my client and her family. For work scheduled again tonight. For ease.
V. No labs. Tired.
Wednesday, October 17, 2018 1:47am Los Angeles. Home.
Home talking to V and she is picking out the bookcases of mine that she wants. We are talking about life and more life. I'm tired. I worked with my client tonight. She's not doing well. Not talking. Not eating. Barely grunting. She's seems to be fading away. Sending her and her family my love and prayers. There is change, change, change all around me. It's a wonder I'm not freaking out right now but I'm not. I'm just not. There is a part of me that is almost excited to see where this change is leading me to.
I didn't make it to the mental health center to get my labs done. I was too tired this morning. My appointment with my doctor is not until the 26th and they take labs every Tuesday and Thursday so I'll go on Thursday (hopefully).
I'm tired right now and need to hit the sack. I hope you're well.
Love yourselves.
Home talking to V and she is picking out the bookcases of mine that she wants. We are talking about life and more life. I'm tired. I worked with my client tonight. She's not doing well. Not talking. Not eating. Barely grunting. She's seems to be fading away. Sending her and her family my love and prayers. There is change, change, change all around me. It's a wonder I'm not freaking out right now but I'm not. I'm just not. There is a part of me that is almost excited to see where this change is leading me to.
I didn't make it to the mental health center to get my labs done. I was too tired this morning. My appointment with my doctor is not until the 26th and they take labs every Tuesday and Thursday so I'll go on Thursday (hopefully).
I'm tired right now and need to hit the sack. I hope you're well.
Love yourselves.
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Gratitude
I give thanks for this day. For safety. For my son, friends and family. I give thanks for food and shelter. For love and peace and ease in my head. I give thanks for CLI. For Hiram and Penelope. For hanging out with friends after class. I give thanks for every dollar in my possession. For being able to trust God's process. For not being afraid right now. I give thanks for abundance. For respect. For art and poetry and stories and creativity. I give thanks that Uraeus is safe and home. I am thankful for my meds. For the mental health center. For my doctors. For this quiet right now.
Art for sale
I keep meaning to post the art I have for sale on here but I keep forgetting. Not really forgetting but not feeling like it. I have a lot. Maybe I'll do it on the Friday when I'm not working. Maybe. If you wanna see it sooner go to my Facebook and Instagram pages (if we're friends like that).
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