Cool

Oh, I didn't write a new piece for the show. I ended up doing a few oldies but goodies. It went over well.

Doctor. Bridgette. El Coyote.

Monday, August 27, 2018 8:31pm. Los Angeles. Home.

Hey all. So today I got up and went to see my psychiatrist, yes, the same one as before. The one I was going to change from. He was talking to me like he had some sense today. Asked me about my clients, asked if I was still teaching. Talked to me like I was a real person. Not the impression I got when we first met. Anyway he ordered my meds which is all I really want him for. Set up a date for me to come in and get labs done. Boom. I was out of there.

But what I really logged on to tell you about was what happened yesterday. I was in a show at the Hollywood Hotel and it was OFF THE CHAIN!!! Bridgette Bianca was the host, I performed, Aleah Bradshaw, Asia Bryant-Wilkerson, Jessica Gallion, Imani Tolliver, B. A. Williams and Alyesha Wise. Yes, it was a black ass woman event and we had some black ass fun up in there! It was my first time hearing and meeting some of the women but we all showed out. Even the audience showed out! I think it's a monthly event and I hope I get to come back again. I had such a great time.

I rode with Jessica and afterward she, Michelle and I went to El Coyote to eat. Talk about the perfect burrito. The entire night was lit. Even if I'm not performing in the next show I want to be there.

That was pretty much my weekend. I hope you did something fun as well.

Oldies. Phone on. Show.

Saturday, August 25, 2018 7:10pm. Los Angeles.

I had a good lazy day today. My plan was to work on a poem for the show tomorrow but I am going to do some oldies but goodies instead. I tried to come up with something new but nothing was coming. And ok, maybe I didn't try as hard as I could have. But the pieces I have  planned are good though.

Thankfully my phone is back on. I hate having my phone turned off. I did get more journaling done. Journaling is hard core for me. I tell a lot in this blog but I keep it 1000 in my journals. Mostly because nobody is going to see those. I'll find a way to dispose of them before I go. I don't mind keeping the ones with just poetry and stories in them but the ones where I talk about my everyday I don't want to keep. Those are my therapy journals.

I need to find my book 365.2013. I wanted to read from it tomorrow. I'm also going to need it for Texas on the 13th of this month. Is it the 13th or the 14th? I'll figure it out. I wish that I had books to sell at the show tomorrow but they will have to order online if they want one. Because I don't have any. I had planned this out differently in my head weeks ago. Anyway, I hope it's a great show. I am in love with the line up. I'll let you know.

Love yourselves.

Father. Funny. Cute.

I've been thinking about my father a lot in the past few days. He was such a funny man. I remember once when I was in Georgia and he was home in California we were talking on the phone. He asked me if I was dating anyone and I said no. He said "Uh! There was somebody cute at the store I could have got his name for you!" I miss you, dad. So much.

Ballers. Mad. Money trouble.

11:28am. Long Beach.
I was up watching the series Ballers on Netflix last night. Finally I cut the tv off at about 6 this morning and went to my mother's bed to go to sleep. She's still in Palmdale. Actually she should be on her way back from Arizona taking my cousin to college. Anyway, I went to bed. Before I went to sleep I was feeling pretty fucked up. Depressed and silently angry. Mad about my life. Mad about my money. Mad about my job. Just mad. Then I had this dream. It was a weird dream, but then aren't most dreams weird? In the dream there was this apartment. A small apartment with two separate areas. The first area you walk into was a bunch of showers. Yes, a bunch of them, like seven. But the tubs weren't as tall as regular tubs. They only came up to maybe just past your ankle like a stand alone shower would. I still don't understand that part about all the tubs. But then there was this other room with all this old furniture. It blew my mind and changed my mood. There were these old broken mirrors with quotes on them. The quotes were probably from some regular person but because they were written down you would think they were from some famous philosopher or something. I wish I could remember the quotes because they made the difference in the dream. There were mirrors, old couches, shower curtains and other stuff and all of it had sayings on them. Damn, why can't I remember any of the words? But people were all clamoring to get whatever they could as long as it had the words on it. So was I. I ended up getting a mirror and a piece of art that was so big it looked like a mural but I could fold it and walk away with it.

Why was this so special? I don't really remember. It was a dream after all. But when I woke up I wasn't mad anymore. I was in this place of acceptance. Like, probably everybody feels shitty every now and then about something about their lives. There are millionaires having money trouble. There are people who aren't having money trouble but their children are strung out on drugs. There are people whose children and family members are missing or have died suddenly. Everybody has something. I woke up feeling not so special. That's what I needed. To feel like I'm not the only one going through shit. And truthfully I prefer my shit over many others.

I don't know. It was an interesting dream to me but maybe you had to be there. What's most important is that I feel better because I was headed down a depressive road and I don't have the time for that right now. I'm going to do my laundry and then get ready for work today. I only have one client today and it's my more challenging client. I'm going to pray and get my head right in order to go in there and do my job. I gotta get my phone turned on. It's been off since Sunday and today is Wednesday. I don't know what calls I'm missing. I'm not going to stress over that right now though. I'm just going to accept what is. I hope y'all do the same. Love yourselves.

Out

Mkay, good night all. Morning really. Whatever. Rest well and love yourselves.

Dream. Boy. Uraeus.

I had a dream last night that I had a little boy. He looked and acted so much like Uraeus that I named him Uraeus. Why did I do that? What does that mean? I told Uraeus about the dream and he said "I don't think he would appreciate that." Maybe it means something. Maybe it doesn't.

Off. Me time. Breathe.

11:50pm. Long Beach.
I'm off work!!!! I had a pretty good shift with my client. Besides taking care of her I spent much of the night counting down the time for me to be off. I need some time. Like some time time to do me. Not worry about bills and food and writing for the next show or selling books or whatever else I'm doing. I need some beach time. When I have it there is so much to worry about I don't take it. I am forever in hustle mode and I know that's not good. Times like now are when I'm most relaxed. When I'm creating. Even though the only thing I'm creating is another post for this blog. Still my juices are flowing. I haven't been to my writing park in too long. I haven't been reading. Even some assigned reading. I don't know what my class for CLI is going to be like. I haven't given it much thought and class is about to start again. Breathe, Jaha, breathe.

Talk. Palmdale. Cousin.

4:32pm. Long Beach. Mom's house.

I had a good time with my first client today. We have cool conversations. Now I'm at my mom's house waiting to go to my next client. We don't have such conversations. We used to talk well but not so much any more. These days she's more about giving orders. Hopefully this shift goes well.

I spent the weekend in Palmdale again. My cousin had a going away to college get together. It was fun. And my mom wanted to look at more houses. This house hunting deal is quite a process. We saw some good ones and bad ones and good ones in bad neighborhoods and bad ones in good neighborhoods. Neighborhoods matter.

And, my stupid phone is cut off. I probably won't be able to get it back on until Friday. That's cool. Well it's gonna have to be.

People I want to interview for this blog continued

34. Charlene Hustle Dive Green

Conversations I want

I have already interviewed many people on this blog (see entries from years ago) but there are many others I still want to converse with here. Here are some of them:

1. Uraeus (I don't think he will do it though, but a woman can dream right?)
2. Tuesday Conner
3. Food 4 Thot
4. Socks
5. Rain Wilson
6. Nikki Skies
7. Lala Deville
8. Kooki
9. Bridgette Bianca
10. Roshann Williams (That's my sister. I don't think she will do it either.)
11. Reuben Williams (I have already interviewed his sister Deja)
12. Charles Becker
13. Aubry Osborn
14. Crystal
15. Jane Walker
16. Donny Jackson
17. Valerie Bridgeman (I already interviewed her here but I want to again because I have a deeper relationship with her now.)
18. Deon Davis
19. Darius Davis
20. Jessica Gallion
21. Mia Chatman
22. Anthony Ortega
23. NaTascha Cole
24. L'Tonya Cole
25. Merle Cole
26. Tiffany Truss-Cole
27. Pat Graham
28. Ruia Akinshegua
29. S. Pearl Sharp
30. George McDonald
31. Alisha McDonald
32. Hiram Simms
33. Michael Dunlap

Playground Politics / Friends by Jaha Zainabu

Sometimes people say that they are your friends but really they are not your friends because when you have a party you invite them to your party but they do not invite you to theirs and they talk about you. When I have another party Karmen R. can not come.

Hello? Hello?

Aaaaaannd my phone is still scheduled to be cut off tomorrow. I'll be alright.

Partial payment. Money money money. Working it out.

5:33pm. Los Angeles. Home.
Hello everyone! My landlord accepted my partial rent payment today. We like that. I have to be caught up by September 1 though. No problem. I have some good gigs coming up that will cover that. I'm feeling good. You would think with all this good feeling that I would be out there walking like I said I would do. But nope. Not yet. I am going to get to it though. I really am. I have a couple of parties to attend tomorrow but I don't think I'll make either one of them. I just have so much work to do here and I'm getting more and more behind. And I don't have to work tomorrow so it's the perfect day to get caught up. I'm super glad I'm off work tomorrow. I also want to get started on a new writing project. Something I'm kinda thinking about. I'll work some of it out here before I bring it out into the world.

Phone

Yikes! My phone bill is due tomorrow! I thought I had a couple of days.

Gratitude

I am thankful for being home with Uraeus. I am thankful for the clients I worked with yesterday. Thankful I survived both shifts. Thankful for work. I am thankful for love in my heart. I am thankful for ease in my brain. For money. Food. Journals. This blog. For words, art, music, stories. I am thankful for the life of Aretha Franklin. I am thankful for the ac blowing cool air. Thankful for a landlord who pays the utilities. Thankful for books and friends. Thankful for friends. For poets. For storytellers. I am thankful for my mother. For my life.

Uraeus

I didn't want to leave this blog today without saying how proud I am of my son. I won't say what because I don't talk about his business on here. But I am big proud of him. I love you, Uraeus.

Playground Politics / Sunday School by Jaha Zainabu

Rev. Ford should not let Miss Williams teach Sunday School anymore because she treats the big kids like they are little but they are not. Rev. Ford should tell her that she can only sing in the choir with the old people and not even get to lead a song. Just stand in the back row and sing and that's it.

Don't sleep on bullshit

Most times it's about getting the words out before I go to bed so that I don't fall asleep on bullshit I will worry about. I need my dreams to myself. I need space to dream. I need to fly. I don't need to keep some words and thought and events in my head. It eats at me. Like really. Like really chews up my insides. Words and thoughts can do that you know? They can eat at you. They can eat you if you let them. Words and thoughts are real. And they get hungry. And the more you think about them the bigger and juicier they get. So me, I let them out here. Like maybe you have words and thoughts that eat you too. Find a place for your words. I have found mine. Twice I have had a therapist and they helped a lot. I can't afford one now. So I release as best as I can right here. I also have journals. I tell a lot here but not everything. I tell my business. I don't tell my son's business. I don't tell some other's business. I tell my words and thoughts. I tell my greedy and hungry words and thoughts. My business. What good is it if it can't help someone else too?

Aretha Franklin. Favorite. Died.

Aretha Franklin died yesterday
She passed
She is not here
She is always here
She is all ways here
Her words are here
Her spirit is here
Her melodies are here
Mama Franklin left her body yesterday
What are we going to do without her
Without that soprano, alto, tenor
What are we going to do without that activism
Without her demand for respect
RESPECT
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Auntie Retha is not here
Not anymore
She has left the planet
She will live on
She will watch us from beyond
She will still teach us
What will we learn from her now
Will we listen
Will we remember Aretha
We will remember Aretha
Who will sit down at her piano
Who will hold her microphone
Who will remind us of ourselves
Who will help us be better human beings
Aretha Franklin is not dead
Dead is too dead a word for Mama
Dead is too small
Death cannot hold Aretha
Will Aretha ever come back
Will Aretha return
She is always here
All ways
Here

Two clients. Worn out. Why tell it?

11:50pm. Los Angeles. Home.
I worked with two clients today. The first one was easy but the second was a little rough. I am worn out physically from her tonight. Glad I'm home. I'm trying not to stress because I owe my landlord some money tomorrow and I'm low on gas and my phone bill is due not to mention other shit that needs to be taken care of around here. I did get paid today but that's not going to go far. I am working all the time and I just can't stress over what I can't do anything about right now. I can't. It will drive me into a depression that will be too hard for me to get out of. Also, my pants ripped right up the middle in the back while I was at work. No, of course I wasn't wearing any panties. It was just my client and me and I'm pretty sure she wasn't interested in seeing my behind so I didn't trip off of it. When my relief came I just got out the door as fast as and as sideways as I could. Whatever. I wasn't going to miss this money because of some ole ripped pants. What's a little booty showin'? Uga mug! Sometimes I feel like Fuck my Life!!!! The money I have for my landlord is not all I owe him and I'm praying he accepts it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if he says no. That has never happened before. My life won't always be this way. It fucking is right now though. But no really, I still have things that I am thankful for. I really do. That's why I keep a gratitude log on this blog and also in a hard copy journal. I need to remind myself that I'm still God's child and am blessed. I need to remind myself that I have been through worse. I need to remind myself that I keep getting out of the valley. I know I keep getting in the valley too but I keep getting out. I don't stay there.

Why tell it? Well, because this blog and my story keeps me humble. Keeps me knowing that no matter how many people say wonderful things about me, my art, my poetry, my whatever, that shit gets real with me too. It also keeps me knowing what reality is. Reality is up and down. Reality is good shit happening and bad shit happening. Reality is late on the rent and reality is paying the rent a few months in advance. Sometimes I read back on this blog and go like wow, I was really struggling here and then a month or even a week later I can see where things changed for the better. I was talking to Rain Wednesday night at The Stage and she was saying that "life is life, you just have to go with the ebb and flow." And that sounds all simple but it's so real. Life ain't good or bad it's just life. The question is how am I gonna flow with it? Am I gonna fight it because I'm attached to a particular outcome? Am I gonna let it get me so down that I can't get up? Am I gonna fight with all I have to stay swimming? Well, I'm gonna stay swimming. At least I'm gonna try.

Playground Politics / Long hair by Jaha Zainabu

If I was white and had long hair like Susan then I wouldn't always wear it in ponytails. Sometimes I would tell my mother to let me wear it down. I would not be mad when black girls wanted to comb my hair and make it look better. I would be happy. Susan thinks that she is cute because she has long hair but she only has longer hair than the black girls not the white girls or the Japanese girls. Susan is not cute. She has a big nose and she is mean.

World Stage. Kooki. Book release.

12:06am. Los Angeles. Home.
I went to The World Stage last night. I'm just getting in. It was a great night. Kooki had her book release. I knew it was going to be great. I was glad to have been able to participate. She put together a play to describe the book featuring excerpts from the book. I played Miss Josephine, the maid.

All that walking and beach going and going to the park I was gonna do yesterday flew out of the window. I tell you these pills have me sleeping like a rock. The pills and my own tired self. I stayed in the bed until after 4pm. I had to be at The Stage at 6. I got there about 6:15. It was a really really good time. I am so proud of and happy for Kooki. She has been working on that story for a long time and now it's finally a real live book! From the looks of the line afterward she sold well too.

I need to push my book some more. It has been selling some on the websites but not enough. Certainly not enough to make a difference or a dent in the rent. I am gonna get back on it.

Oh, Rain was there last night! I love her so much and get so excited when she is in town. I think she said she will be here until Tuesday. Great news. I would like to interview her for my blog. I would like to interview Nikki Skies too. That might be harder because she's in Atlanta and so it would have to be by phone and she has children she has to work around. I'll find a way.

Nspire was there last night too! I always love seeing her in the house. She didn't perform though. I better jump off of here because I have to get up in the morning. I have work here to do morning then two clients to see later. One at 1pm and another at 6pm. Pray my strength in the Lord. No, really.

Lauren

Lauryn Hill fucking really? Your band can't look you in the eye? Please! How about showing up to your concerts on time? How 'bout that? I'm a fan and everything but come on!

Gratitude

I am thankful for this moment. This right here moment. This minute on the couch with my computer. Thankful for this day. For this early morning. For Uraeus. For my mother. For my friends and family. I am thankful for love in my heart. For hustle in my blood and heart. For faith. I am thankful for not knowing how things are going to work out but knowing that they are. I am thankful for food and shelter. For clothes and peace. Thankful for my meds and the ease in my head. I am thankful for so much. For work. For acceptance. For forgiveness. For understanding. Growth. I am thankful for art and poetry and stories. Thankful for the sky. For water and life. I am thankful. I just am.

Brain stuff. Come out words. Iron.

It's 1:29am and I need to be sleeping but I have stuff in my brain. There are words and sentences that want to come out. I am holding onto them. Holding like when I have to pee in the night and early morning but I don't want to go to the bathroom. I know I should just go. I know that going is going to win but I fight it sometimes. Right now I keep seeing male cousin burn his then girlfriend with an iron. Pressed it into her thigh. I didn't know about this. Just found out. Who was there for her? What the fuck! That wasn't all he did to her. I keep thinking about when Ap told me that Az was abusing her. I punked out. I didn't defend her like I should have. I kept talking to him. I shouldn't have. I hate to this day that I didn't do enough. I was there for her to talk to but that's not a fucking nuff. It's not. I was scared. I was scared of choosing between them. That was a punk move. It shouldn't have mattered if they were both my friends or not. Him beating her should have made the choice easy. I was wrong. There is no excuse. I can forgive myself now, I have to to move on but I also have to look at the fact that I handled that wrong. If it were me in that situation I would want more from a friend than a listening ear. I would want action. I would want protection. I would want a team of voices protesting for me. But I didn't give that to her. I'm so sorry.

Ally much

45 called Omarosa a dog. That's right, he called a black woman a dog. Now where are all those black male ministers who went to see him now to defend her? Nowhere, that's where. At home not tripping because who gives a fuck about a black woman anyway that's where. They are behind their pulpits defending 45 that's where. They are wherever everyone was when Jesus called that woman a dog. I wonder if she was a black woman. Anyway, that's where they all are. In not heres ville.

Come

I need like a million dollars to give to my landlord on Friday. Come through million dollars.

Kenneth Hahn

I'm going to try to go for a walk today. I really need it. Maybe I'll go to my writing park and take Michelle's book with me and do some reading then some light walking. That's my favorite park. Well, Kenneth Hahn is my favorite park but this one is closer and the one I choose when I don't want to see a lot of people. And I don't want to see a lot of folks. I would love to go to the beach but do I really feel like driving down there and parking and...? No. No I do not. Besides. People.

Shit

I'm tired of reading posts about white folks being white folks while people of color are trying to live our lives. Can we fucking live? I'm tired that this is the world where we live. Sick and tired that some folks don't see this happening. That there are people privileged enough not to see racism when we have to look at it and live it every day.

Auntie

I read that Aretha Franklin is laughing and talking with family and friends and watching a lot of tv. I hope so. I really do. So many of our elders are leaving the planet. Can we have Mama Aretha for a little while longer?

Playground Politics / Picking flowers by Jaha Zainabu

The lady in the yellow house have a sign that says not to pick her flowers but Tara said that they are not even her flowers because all flowers belong to God so how can she say don't pick them.

Home. Sleepy. Bobbie.

12:33am. Los Angeles. Home.
Work was usual. I've taken on not complaining about it. See how that goes for me. But last night was really ok. Glad to be home, as usual. I'm not working today because I'm going to Kooki's book release at The World Stage. I'm excited about that. I'm also excited about not working today. I need a day off. I have to go see Za'Yn some time today too. I got her a little birthday gift but I want to get her something else too. Maybe some pants or a skirt. She is collecting unicorns these days so I got her some kind of unicorn. It's cute but it's not birthday present cute. Besides I like to get gifts that she needs not just ones that she will lose in a couple of days.

I haven't taken my meds yet but I will soon. Oh, my case worker from the mental health department called me today. He called to reschedule a doctor's appointment. I asked for lab work to be done before my appointment. I don't have anything I want to discuss with that doctor other than what needs to be discussed. I should have asked him to help me get a new doctor. The lady on the phone told me I had to come in  person to do it. I don't believe her because I changed doctors before and I did it by phone. Mostly this doctor and I are just not a fit. Not at all. It is something he said and it's not. It's just I don't trust him. I say trust because I don't know him well enough not to like him. Worst case scenario is they don't change my doctor and I'm stuck with him and he sees me once every two months and gives me a script for my meds. I don't have anything I want to talk to him about though.

I'm about to hit the sack. Before I do, my mom called me and told me that my Aunt Bobbie will be moving in with us when we move to Palmdale. That's good news. It will be good to have them both close. Also when I leave to go out of town someone will be there with my mother.

Out

Ok seriously, good night y'all. Well it's morning really. But I'm off to sleep land and I hope that you're well. Talk soon.

Picture. Memories. Utah.

I keep thinking about changing the picture I have up on this blog to another one. I have a good one in mind too. I haven't changed it because this picture is special to me. It was taken in Utah and my uncles John and Therman were there in the audience to hear and see me perform. That was the last time I saw my Uncle John before his dementia got really bad. I don't know if he would recognize me if he saw me today. He's living in a hospital like place and Therman and Janice go to see him often but I haven't been yet. I will go soon. I know it's going to hurt seeing him in there. Therman says that he's had some good days but I know the pain will be there when I see him. I must go though. My mom said his house sold. So much is different. I miss him. So many people in my family are or have had to live with dementia. It's always hard to see. It's one of the reasons I keep this blog. I don't know what will become of me but if I'm ever affected by dementia I would want to read about things in my life I may have forgotten. Just day to day things. I hope I don't get it. I really do. It scares me to think I could lose my mind one day. Who would be there to take care of me like I have and am taking care of so many others? That's a real thought that creeps in that stresses me when I let it. I'm not about to go down that hole right now. Just keep me in your prayers please.

Big news. Aretha. Love.

Aretha Franklin is dying! Some post say that she is already dead but that's not official. Why do people want to be the first to post when someone is dead? You don't get a prize for that. No one thinks you know Mama Franklin better than the rest of us. Stop it. Wait for BET to say something. Why BET? I don't know but BET is more trustworthy than some of the posts I've seen putting her in the ground already.

I love Aretha Franklin. She is one of, if not my absolute favorite singer. I will miss her. My prayers for her and her family and friends and those surrounding her at this hour.

Much love.

Za'Yn

Yesterday was my goddaughter's birthday. I didn't call in the morning and was working in the evening so I didn't call. I'll see her later today but I wish I had talked to her on her birthday.

I love you Za'Yn. You're eight years old now and getting so big. You are beautiful and courageous and fire. You are wonderful. I'm looking forward to hugging you when I see you. Rest well lovely.

Playground Politics / Pictures on the board by Jaha Zainabu

Miss Koss thinks that Kenneth is the best drawer in the class. She said that really we all are the same good but that is a story because why does she always put his pictures on the big board and only puts mine there sometimes. I told her that Kenneth's lines are crooked sometimes and he needs to work on his circles but Miss Koss said I was not nice and to sit down somewhere. I'm not going to walk home with Kenneth anymore and if he catch up with me then I'm going to run because he is slow.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. For this moment. This new day that has quietly crept in on me. This early early am. Thankful for Uraeus. For my mother, sister and for seeing both of them today. Thankful for my friends and family. For love and peace. I am thankful for peace and ease in my head. For not stressing even though I could stress if I let myself. I am thankful that I am not letting myself. I am thankful for a good shift at work last night. Thankful for love and understanding. For this blog where I can deposit my thoughts and let rivers flow. I am thankful for friends who reach out to me to check on me. I am thankful for the friends I reach out to to check on. I am thankful for being. Thankful for being alive. Thankful the depression is away from me right now. Thankful for poetry and art and stories. I am thankful for my community. For smiling. Yes, I am thankful for smiling.

Nubian Star. Nspire. Heart.

Nubian Star and Nspire you two were on my mind today. What's up with y'all? I left messages on both of your pages and haven't heard from you yet. I hope I do soon. Don't make me have to hunt you down. I love both of you. I know you don't know each other but you're both in my heart.

Monday work. Easy shift. Home.

11:45pm. Los Angeles. Home.
I don't usually work on Mondays but I won't be there on Wednesday so I traded today for then. It was a relatively easy shift. As easy as I expect anyway. I'm glad I'm home. I don't have much to say tonight. I don't usually have much to say but tonight is even less. I have already taken my meds for tonight and expect to be out like a light soon. I hope you are well. Love yourselves.

Kooki. Wonderful. Breathe.

Kooki, your book release is going to be great! I just know it. The rehearsal this morning was wonderful. Breathe sis. And wait. Wait and see how high you fly.

Gal. Woman. Me.

I don't like being called girl / or gal / young lady / honey / or sweetie / call me a woman / and Jaha is a pretty enough name / call me by my name / I have a name / I am a grown woman do not call me a girl / give me some credit for all the bullshit I have taken / all the growing that I did / look at my fingers and toes / how they wiggle so bold and free / look at this stomach and back and neck / look at my legs down there too / don't I look like a woman to you

Long Beach. Donny. Friends.

7:28pm. Los Angeles. Home.
I went to a poetry event in Long Beach today. Donny Jackson was one of the features and happens to also be one of my favorite poets. Win. Win. I went with LaLa. I'm glad we rode together because she and I have never really had one on one time before. Not like today. I enjoyed her company very much. And the poetry today made me want to come home and write. Now that I'm here in front of my computer, nothing poetic is coming out. Oh well.

Kooki was there also, and so was Derek and Kold Piece and October. The house was packed. I didn't know most of the people. And yes, it was literally in a house. One of those really cool houses downtown Long Beach. This one was on St. Louis off 7th St. The woman who owns it has events there once a month. I have never heard of her or the events before but I'm glad I went today.

Laura

I thought about you this weekend. I hope you're well. I started to call you just to let you know I was thinking about you and that I love you. I didn't. I got busy doing something else and didn't think of it again until now. I do love you though. So much.

Mom. House hunting. Sleep.

12:28am. Los Angeles. Home.
My mom and I made it back from Palmdale. We had a good trip. It was a successful house hunting trip. I was happy to hang with my family. We laughed, watched movies, talked all night, drove around looking at houses, went to some open houses, ate, slept, made a Target run, a Walmart run, I got my hair cut (finally). My cousin Jason is a barber and he did a good job. And now I'm back home. Uraeus is well and I'm about to take my meds and go to sleep. I have a meeting in the morning at 9 (which is why we came back tonight). I had a quick nap while I was up there but no for real good good sleep. Which is what I intend to get soon.

Love yourselves.

Because

because life because love because these words in my head rolling around like river like water like flow and spiraling down and thinking about stuff just gets me down and there is so much stuff to think about like living and wanting to keep living and being too afraid to do anything else. because one minute I'm great and happy and up and thankful for thankful and the very next minute I am back to reality and I know shit is too much to handle and too much to hold and I feel like I will fall off of the roller coaster flying too fast and too many loop de loops and ups too high and downs too low and I am not high enough for this. I am too sober for this reality. found out a cousin is doing meth and another is living in his car and my heart breaks for both of them. and this is what I need right now. this quiet. this early morning stream of consciousness this tv this darkness this room. and the fish tank in the next room is soothing and I need soothing. I need comfort. don't read this. it's not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere with this I am just stuffed up with junk in my head and nowhere to put the words and stories and stuff.

Stuck in my head

Nationwide is on your siiiiiiiide...

George Lopez. No pills.

2:56am and I can't sleep. I'm still in the living room watching tv. George Lopez is on. Wish I had my pills. I wish I had a new project I was working on but I don't. The only thing I've been writing is in this blog and my blog like my life is boring as fuck. I keep writing in it because it keeps me getting my thoughts out. Side bar, anybody notice that the black guy singing the Nationwide song on the commercials sounds really good? Like I totally stop to look at the commercial every time it's on. See, I told you my life was boring as fuck.

No pills

Shit! I packed my pills and then forgot to put them in my bag. That's probably for the best because they make me sleep a lot and we're getting up early in the morning.

Gratitude

I am thankful for this day. For waking up. Thankful for Uraeus. For friends and family. I am thankful for the drive up to Palmdale with my mother. For a good, friendly and funny conversation with family. I am thankful for peace in my head. For feeling good. I am thankful for the depression being away from me. I am thankful for love. For forgiveness. For understanding. I am thankful for this moment.

Palmdale. House hunting. Mom.

12:31am. Palmdale.
My mom and I came up here last night. We are going house hunting in the morning and thought we would get a head start. We stayed up talking to my cousin Tasha and my aunt Pat. Everyone has gone to bed now except me. I'm up watching Lifetime shows. Because.

New client. Poetry. Downtown.

I might have a new client. She called me yesterday but I couldn't talk because I was at work so we agreed to talk today. I'm always hesitant to take on new clients because I keep saying that the one I have is going to be my last. Well my last unless I need to take care of my mother or someone like that. But then someone else calls right when I need the money. I'll meet with the family and if it's a good fit I'll take it. I recognize what a commitment taking on a new client is. For most of my clients it is literally for the rest of their lives (however long or short). I really ask a lot of questions when I'm with the family at the initial meeting because I don't want to bail on them after we've already got a system down. Well, we'll see some time today.

Tonight I'm going to this poetry event at a restaurant downtown that Gia Scott-Heron is hosting. Pa told me about it. I'm meeting him there. He's so cool, he got me something for my birthday (already) and I'll get it when I see him tonight. I hope to have a good time. I like going to new spots.

Issa

Oh, yesterday I got all caught up on Insecure. Can't wait for season three to come out.

Another week. Long Beach. Happy.

12:18am. Los Angeles. Home.
Made it through another work shift and made it home. I spent last night in Long Beach at my mom's place because everyone there was out of town and it was easier to stay there since I had to work in Long Beach the next day. My shifts are getting harder and harder. She's getting weaker and weaker so I have to be in the room with her during the whole shift. Let's just say that some nights are better than others. Wednesday night was pretty rough. A lot of it has to do with how she talks to me. I take a lot of shit in the name of being respectful. I do have compassion for her though. I don't know how I would be in that situation. Living is serious business but dying ain't no joke either. I mean, we are all dying but to know that you're close to the end must fuck with your mind in some way. It has to.

But like I said I made it home and I'm happy to be here. I got paid last night and aside from the gas I put in the car and some food I bought all of it is going to the rent. I'm glad I have it though. Oh, my work week next week will be a day shorter because I'm taking off to go to Kooki's book release. I'm so proud of her and happy for her. She really did it! She got that novel done! I read the first half of the book and I am looking forward to reading the second half.

Damn I need a fucking shower. Later though. After I've slept a bit. I just took my meds and I'm about to knock out.

Love yourselves.

Easy

Rest well all.

Gratitude

I am thankful for my life. Thankful for my son. For friends and family. For food and shelter and clothes. I am thankful for love and laughter in my life. For peace and ease in my head. I am thankful that I'm in a good mood. That work went well. Thankful for a safe ride home. Thankful for a place to call home. For money for books for my phone for this blog. For my computer. For art supplies. I am thankful for poetry and art. For a car that's running well. For my memory. For meds. I am thankful for being thankful today. Thankful for the desire to write. Thankful that the stories will come. Thankful for the ideas floating around in my head. I am thankful for my son's good health. For his happiness and peace and laughter. Thankful for life today.

Uraeus

In what else is new news, I so love my son. It's the little things. He's my favorite person on the planet.

Uraeus. Long Beach. Sleep.

12:12am. Los Angeles. Home.
We are just getting in. Uraeus went with me down to Long Beach. He went somewhere with my mother while I was at work. Yes, I survived another shift. It was pretty easy tonight. She wasn't as restless as she usually is. I get it though. It must be hard being trapped in a room, in a bed with very few positions to choose from and then having to have help getting into each position. Thinking like that helps me to be more patient. But like I said, it was pretty easy. I hope my next couple of shifts are easy too.

I'm looking forward to going to sleep. I keep saying that I'm going to either cut my sleeping pill in half or skip a few days. I am sleeping too much in the daytime and I'm groggy early. I keep saying that but I keep taking the full pill along with the other pills in my cocktail.

Oh, my mom found a house she wants in Palmdale but she also found another one. The open house is this Saturday morning. She wants me to go with her. She's not the only one excited I want to see it too. I am happy that she is really excited about something.

And in case you're wondering my fast has gone to shit. I totally had a large root beer, a fish sandwich and then a grilled cheese sandwich after work. So there's that. There are other days though. I know. I lost today maybe tomorrow I'll win.

Sleepy time.

Playground Politics / Ushering by Jaha Zainabu

If you are a usher at your church and you are the tallest and your hair is longer than the other ushers then you should get to stand in the middle i'll and usher if you want to. But sometimes Bro. Harris does not think so and that is not good.

Poetry family

Oh, it was especially good to see LaLa and Derek last night watching Kooki do her thing!

Home. House. Palmdale.

7:16pm. Los Angeles. Home. 

I did some light running around this evening, mostly for food and water and now I'm back home. I had a good time last night though. I went to see Kooki  perform at The Mint. She was sooooo  good. She is usually good. I have never seen her do a whole set before, well outside of the CLI classroom. She was dope. She was funny, beautiful, her poems were...what's the word?...enticing. I'm glad I went and glad I stayed to the end. Everyone on the show was good. The performers were mostly from Our  Mic, a venue that Lady Basco used to run. Lady B actually hosted the event last night also. 

New news, well not really new but my mother found a house she wants. She has been looking to move for some time. The house is beautiful. It's in Palmdale near my aunt and uncle's place. I also have cousins who live around there. She wants me to move in with her. It's been her plan that one day I move in with her to take care of her. She's fine now but she wants me there for when she needs a caregiver. I'd love to take care of her. Uraeus wants to stay down here in L.A. I don't blame him. He will be twenty-one years old soon and he's ready to start experiencing life on his own. I'll still be there for him though as much as I can. I'm proud of him for getting started on his journey. 

Dear Dr. Broadhead

I miss you so much! I hope you are enjoying your retirement. I really do. I just want you to know that you helped me so much. Thank you.

Home love

I really love my apartment. It's so cute and artsy and me. I want a few more things for it though. Here's my new list for what I want for my place:

1. three new plants
2. scale for the bathroom
3. more magazines for collaging
4. more African masks (The one I have is probably from Pier 1)
5. new stove
6. some of those magnetic words to go on the fridge
7. a ceiling fan
8. new bed linin (all red)
9. new dresser for Uraeus
10. one of LaLa's dolls
11. candles
12. incense

I think that's it for now. Watch, as soon as I close my computer I'm gonna think of like ten other things.

Magic pills

6:31pm. Los Angeles. Home.
I slept so good last night and today. I'm telling you the sleeping pills I'm taking are magic pills. For real. Last night I had this big idea that I was going to get up early and go walking and all that when I got up this morning. Please...I went walking through dreamland. Aquiah called about 10:30 and that's when I woke up. It was good to hear from her though.

The movie night party at Michelle's is tonight. It looks like I will be amending my fast to no fast food and sodas because I'm going to indulge tonight. I eat a lot of junk so eliminating at least that from my diet for a month will do me a world of good. Who knows, maybe I'll go for more than a month.

Bipolar

There is this commercial where a woman is in a kitchen and the kitchen is at the top of a house of cards. She's making sandwiches. A fucking lot of sandwiches. And she's super busy making these sandwiches like her life depends on these sandwiches being made. All million of them. The commercial is an ad for a drug for people with bipolar 1, specifically the mania. Let me just say, whoever made that commercial KNOWS how it feels. I have never seen an ad so on point. That's how I feel during my manic stages. It feels like I can really fly. Like really. I feel like I can write a novel in a night. Paint enough pictures for a gallery showing in one night. Whatever. I can do it all in a night. There is no voice talking me down from that. That's what's so scary about mania. At least when I'm depressed there is a part of me that goes "yeah buuuutt..." and then I call someone or cry myself to sleep. But with mania there is no voice that says, "no bitch, you fucking can't fly now take your black ass to sleep." Instead of flying I usually type in this blog or post on Facebook or write in a journal. Sometimes I paint but I don't produce work I like later on. I forgot the name of that drug. I think it's Valprexal or something like that. I'm going to stick to writing a lot because I don't want to take one more pill.

Old

When/if I get old I hope I'm a nice old woman. Catherine Robertson was my favorite client. Of all the elders I have ever taken care of she was my favorite and I miss her. She always greeted me with a smile. She was so friendly and always had kind words. I hope she is resting in peace right now.

How

How am I really going to go without wine for a whole month? And sugar and root beer? How sway?

Maybe

Ok my fast officially begins after I finish this root beer.

Photos. Nature. Remembering.

Know what I want? A day of taking pictures. A day in nature. At the beach. A park. Somewhere. Water. Trees. People. Sky. Laughing. I want to hear laughing. An easy walk. Sun. Breeze. A comfortable place to sit. To nap. To write. To create. To visualize. To wish. To dream. To talk to myself. To be by myself. To be alone with others. To guess what the clouds are trying to tell me. To collect shells. Or pine cones. Sand or rocks. To wear sandals. To not get my toes painted. To love on myself. To think. To come up with answers. To ask the right questions. To figure things out. To leave things unanswered. To love myself. Did I say that? Love myself? Yes, a day to do that. What does that look like? Loving myself? To listen to my voice. To love the sound of my voice. To love the look of my face when it smiles or doesn't. I want to read a magazine. To look at pictures. To read an article. About love and sex and friendship and romance and all those things I have forgotten. I want to sit and remember. Remember conversations and kisses. Remember why and why not.

Maybe

I'm tempted to read the story about the black clergy who visited 45 but I just can't. I know it's gonna irritate me so I believe I'll stay away until I'm ready. I mean, what could he have had to say? Why do they look like they are eating it up? Why would they even go in the first place? So many questions.

Hey, Jessica

You just keep writing those poems and telling those stories. Thank you for the texts you send me in the middle of my work shift. Those laughs get me through. Love you, sis.

Home. Off tomorrow. Fucking rent.

11:49pm. Los Angeles. Home. So glad to be home. My client was especially antsy tonight. Glad I don't have to work tomorrow. I have a lot of stuff to catch up on. I hope I get it done. I've been so sleepy in the daytime lately. Maybe I should only be taking half of the sleeping pill I take. Dammit! My computer is doing wonky stuff. I keep getting kicked off of this page. Anyway...

So I didn't talk to Hiram about not teaching for next year. I think I'm going to do it. It does take a lot out of me and ten months is a big commitment but the way I look at it is that I'm going to have to do something else anyway. Maybe I should stick with what I'm good at and what I know. Maybe I'll feel differently later on, I mean, I felt different last night so who knows? I should at least have a conversation with Hiram to let him know how I'm feeling.

Fucking rent is due again. God bless me. Like please. I work so hard and I'm so tired of hustling for the rent every month. And if not every month at least every other month. It will come though. It keeps coming.

I'm tired and I need a shower. Well, a shower is not going to happen tonight. But I just took my pills so that good good sleep is on its way. Hopefully I'll dream about some new poems. I leave for Texas next month and I haven't written anything for the show yet. I will though. I will. I am so looking forward to going. I love being with my WomanPreach sisters. Just found out today that Carla is going! Yay!!!!! We are usually roommates when she goes and she is mad funny and wise and an all around blessing to be around. And I'll get to see Valerie. I always love seeing her. One day when (ok if) I win the lottery I'm going to give some cash to WomanPreach. That is such a powerful organization and has made me a better woman, person, thinker. I am honored to be connected to such an amazing social justice organization.

Ok, let me start heading off to sleep. Love y'all.

The hustle

My gas light came on on my way home from work. How am I gonna get to work tonight? I don't know. Watch me get there though.

Driving while talking

I forgot to mention that I got a ticket last night on my way to work. I was talking on the phone while driving and the officer saw me. I knew I was busted. I got off the freeway and just took my ticket. Like I really need a ticket. He said it wasn't a moving violation though. Wil said that where she is those tickets are $307. I hope it's not that crazy here. But I bet it is. Better get ready for it. That was a dumb thing to do. The conversation wasn't even that important. It wasn't important at all. Why didn't I just wait in the horrible traffic? Guess I learned my lesson though. Well, not really because as soon as he let me go I called my friend back to let her know what happened. I could have waited to do that but...well...lessons not learned.

Easy work. Saying her name. CLI.

11:52pm. Los Angeles. I am glad to be home. I had a pretty easy shift with my client tonight. Thank God. I stopped off at Fantastic Burgers to get a grilled cheese sandwich and a large root beer. Whatever. Judge yourself. I'm about to start a fast and wanted a treat before I did. I don't know how well I'm going to do on this fast because my start date is Friday and I'm going to be hanging out with friends at Michelle's then and what we do together is drink and eat. I guess we'll see.

So what's on my mind tonight is Jessica St. Louis #sayhername. She was released from jail at like 1am and dropped off at a BART station and was killed an hour later. The trains do not run at that hour so she was supposed to just wait around in the dark I guess. You don't even have to ask if she was black because yes she was. This is disgusting. And this is just a case we know about. There are probably others. I was talking about this on Facebook and a friend commented that that is probably where they killed her. They...the police, guards...they. I wouldn't put it past them. I will pray for her family. I'm starting to get triggered and angry at that phrase...prayers for the family. I want to do more. I want the violence against our people to stop. I want women's lives to matter. I want black lives to matter. I want the world to stop showing me that our lives don't mean anything. That's what I want.

It's midnight now. I've been thinking about something and going back and forth about it. I said I would make up my mind today. As much as I love teaching for CLI I think I'm going to take a break this year. This would be my fifth year and I just need some time off. I will sub if they need me and I'll be a guest speaker when they need me but as far as being there every Monday and the other days and times, I am just not up for it this year. Last year was kind of hard for me which is why I am thinking about a break this year. When I commit to something I really want to stick to it. So I didn't take off days when I needed to for mental health reasons and that didn't prove to be good for me. I taught right through them. Over and over I put myself on the back burner and I can't afford to do that this year. I'm even choosing to be more selective about the home health care clients I take on. I haven't told Hiram yet but I'll talk to him today. I shouldn't have waited so long but this is the time it took. Maybe more ways I can better take care of myself will show up during this fast. For sure I need to do better about what I put into my body and I need to start walking again, maybe even swimming.

Now I have to think of what I'm going to do to supplement the income from teaching. I'll have to sell more books for sure and do some more shows. Maybe I'll travel more if I can get some organizations to cover it. The possibilities are endless. I've been going back and forth in my head all this time when maybe I just needed to blog it out for it to be clear to me. I think I've made my decision. Now let me sleep on it.

T-shirt. Ancestors. Fighters.

I saw a tshirt on Facebook that read Don't let the president get your ass whooped, we are not our ancestors. I hate shit like that. It's a disrespect to our ancestors. Like it's saying that they were weak and afraid. They had more guts then we do now. We couldn't have endured what they went through. They were fighters, they were heroes, they were strong, courageous, smart men and women who we would not be here without.

Swich

Oh, I tried to change my psychiatrist today but the woman told me that I had to come down in person to do that. I don't know why, I didn't have to do that before. I think she just didn't feel like helping me. And I thought I was going to see the doctor again on the 11th but it's on the 30th of August. That's a long time off but whatever. I don't want to see him anyway. They better not make this hard for me.

Long work shift. Sleep. Michelle.

12:03am. Los Angeles. Finally home. I had a long work shift. Not longer than usual but it felt like it. Oh, Laverne Cox is the name of the woman I was trying to think of from Orange is the New Black who was released. I like her. She seems cool in real life and also on the show. Of course I have never met her.

Anyway, my hours and pay will be increasing soon with the client in Long Beach that I have and I was referred another client tonight. Her son or daughter is a friend of Lonnie. She gave her my number and I'll find out the details later on today I suppose. I hope she's close. And nice.

I really need to go to sleep. I don't know why on second thought. I mean I am sleepy but I don't have to be up early. Hell, it's already tomorrow. I could get up early though and finish Michelle's book. It's taking me too long to finish that. I've had some setbacks though. Being off my meds was a big one. But I have them now and there's no reason I can't get through it now. Also the book is really good. She is such a good writer. I will be very happy for her when the book comes out. It's 12:09 now and I need to get some rest. Sleep off this day.