Brain stuff. Come out words. Iron.

It's 1:29am and I need to be sleeping but I have stuff in my brain. There are words and sentences that want to come out. I am holding onto them. Holding like when I have to pee in the night and early morning but I don't want to go to the bathroom. I know I should just go. I know that going is going to win but I fight it sometimes. Right now I keep seeing male cousin burn his then girlfriend with an iron. Pressed it into her thigh. I didn't know about this. Just found out. Who was there for her? What the fuck! That wasn't all he did to her. I keep thinking about when Ap told me that Az was abusing her. I punked out. I didn't defend her like I should have. I kept talking to him. I shouldn't have. I hate to this day that I didn't do enough. I was there for her to talk to but that's not a fucking nuff. It's not. I was scared. I was scared of choosing between them. That was a punk move. It shouldn't have mattered if they were both my friends or not. Him beating her should have made the choice easy. I was wrong. There is no excuse. I can forgive myself now, I have to to move on but I also have to look at the fact that I handled that wrong. If it were me in that situation I would want more from a friend than a listening ear. I would want action. I would want protection. I would want a team of voices protesting for me. But I didn't give that to her. I'm so sorry.