Two clients. Worn out. Why tell it?

11:50pm. Los Angeles. Home.
I worked with two clients today. The first one was easy but the second was a little rough. I am worn out physically from her tonight. Glad I'm home. I'm trying not to stress because I owe my landlord some money tomorrow and I'm low on gas and my phone bill is due not to mention other shit that needs to be taken care of around here. I did get paid today but that's not going to go far. I am working all the time and I just can't stress over what I can't do anything about right now. I can't. It will drive me into a depression that will be too hard for me to get out of. Also, my pants ripped right up the middle in the back while I was at work. No, of course I wasn't wearing any panties. It was just my client and me and I'm pretty sure she wasn't interested in seeing my behind so I didn't trip off of it. When my relief came I just got out the door as fast as and as sideways as I could. Whatever. I wasn't going to miss this money because of some ole ripped pants. What's a little booty showin'? Uga mug! Sometimes I feel like Fuck my Life!!!! The money I have for my landlord is not all I owe him and I'm praying he accepts it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if he says no. That has never happened before. My life won't always be this way. It fucking is right now though. But no really, I still have things that I am thankful for. I really do. That's why I keep a gratitude log on this blog and also in a hard copy journal. I need to remind myself that I'm still God's child and am blessed. I need to remind myself that I have been through worse. I need to remind myself that I keep getting out of the valley. I know I keep getting in the valley too but I keep getting out. I don't stay there.

Why tell it? Well, because this blog and my story keeps me humble. Keeps me knowing that no matter how many people say wonderful things about me, my art, my poetry, my whatever, that shit gets real with me too. It also keeps me knowing what reality is. Reality is up and down. Reality is good shit happening and bad shit happening. Reality is late on the rent and reality is paying the rent a few months in advance. Sometimes I read back on this blog and go like wow, I was really struggling here and then a month or even a week later I can see where things changed for the better. I was talking to Rain Wednesday night at The Stage and she was saying that "life is life, you just have to go with the ebb and flow." And that sounds all simple but it's so real. Life ain't good or bad it's just life. The question is how am I gonna flow with it? Am I gonna fight it because I'm attached to a particular outcome? Am I gonna let it get me so down that I can't get up? Am I gonna fight with all I have to stay swimming? Well, I'm gonna stay swimming. At least I'm gonna try.