Sunday, September 30, 2018 6:39pm Los Angeles. Home.
I'm home now but about to get up and go to work tonight. I'll be there overnight. He is an easy client. I look forward to the work and I need the money right now so there's that. I'll be with him for six nights straight so I'll be doing some double clienting on some days. It's cool. I hate I wasn't able to meet with Michelle today. We planned this a long time ago. I hate I'm always the one to cancel. Also hate that it's always work related. Hate I need money so much and so often that I keep saying yes even when I have other things on my schedule. This too shall pass though. This too shall pass.
Love yourselves.
Black ass poems. Black ass stories. Black ass art. Black ass life. Black ass love. Black ass hate. Black ass parenting. Black ass depression. Black ass mania. And other stuff too.
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Uraeus. Home. Alive.
10:41pm
Uraeus is out working. I'm not at that stage where he leaves at night and I can just go to sleep. I don't know if I will ever be. But I'm certainly not now. Trying not to give bad energy any energy. He will be home tonight. Safe. Alive. Is my prayer.
Uraeus is out working. I'm not at that stage where he leaves at night and I can just go to sleep. I don't know if I will ever be. But I'm certainly not now. Trying not to give bad energy any energy. He will be home tonight. Safe. Alive. Is my prayer.
Gratitude
I am thankful for this day. Thankful for my life. I am thankful for my son, family, friends. I am thankful for the spirit of staying. Staying here. Staying alive. Staying free. I am thankful for food, for clothes and shelter. I am thankful for love and peace. For the ease in my head and spirit. I am thankful for my meds. For refills. For work tomorrow. For a day off today. For writing. Creating. For leaving it in God's hands. I am thankful for a mighty God. I am thankful for being thankful today.
Son's day. Home. Pray.
Saturday, September 29, 2018 6:42pm Los Angeles. Home.
I had a pretty restful day. Uraeus and I went to get an air pump for his bike and then went to the grocery store for food. When we got home I told him it was national son's day and I wanted to take a picture. He agreed. I don't know if it's a real holiday or not but I saw some people on Facebook celebrating it with pictures of their sons and I didn't want to be left out. Haaaaa! Besides I try not to ever miss an opportunity to take a picture with him. He never says no but I know he's not down for too many photos.
I thought I was working tonight but it looks like I'll be home and working tomorrow night instead. That's fine. I wish I was working tonight too because this is an easy client and I need the money. My landlord hasn't called but I'm expecting one soon since he gave me a notice. I have some of the money but not all of it. And I'm sure that's what he wants. Not gonna allow myself to be stressed out though. I'm not. I work hard. I don't make a lot of money but I sure do work hard. I work often. Almost every day. I also do other things in addition to work. Sometimes I have all the money I need and other times I don't. This is one of those other times. I'm praying it all works out. Pray with me please.
Love yourselves.
I had a pretty restful day. Uraeus and I went to get an air pump for his bike and then went to the grocery store for food. When we got home I told him it was national son's day and I wanted to take a picture. He agreed. I don't know if it's a real holiday or not but I saw some people on Facebook celebrating it with pictures of their sons and I didn't want to be left out. Haaaaa! Besides I try not to ever miss an opportunity to take a picture with him. He never says no but I know he's not down for too many photos.
I thought I was working tonight but it looks like I'll be home and working tomorrow night instead. That's fine. I wish I was working tonight too because this is an easy client and I need the money. My landlord hasn't called but I'm expecting one soon since he gave me a notice. I have some of the money but not all of it. And I'm sure that's what he wants. Not gonna allow myself to be stressed out though. I'm not. I work hard. I don't make a lot of money but I sure do work hard. I work often. Almost every day. I also do other things in addition to work. Sometimes I have all the money I need and other times I don't. This is one of those other times. I'm praying it all works out. Pray with me please.
Love yourselves.
Gratitude
I give thanks today for life. For my son. For talking to my mother. For my friends and family. I am thankful right now for the peace in my body and in my head. For being with my son. For his life. I am thankful for hope and faith. I believe. I don't always believe but I do now. Some times my hope for the world gets weak. My faith in God remains. Truthfully though, I have my moments of doubt some times. I am thankful for this blog where I can deposit my thoughts and dreams and desires and regrets and loves and what bothers me. I give thanks for poetry. For art. For photography. I give thanks right now for being thankful.
Friday, September 28, 2018
Kavanaugh. Pessimist. News.
I really hope not but I think Kavanaugh is still going to be a supreme court judge. I went to a poetry show on Monday and there was a singer there, I forgot his name. But in one of his songs he said "I'm starting to fall out of love with the world." That's how I feel. But it's not love I'm losing, it's hope. I can feel myself becoming a pessimist. I don't like this about me and I'm trying to change but this is how I feel. Especially when I look at the news and see what's going on in the world and how it's almost a crime to express Black Lives Matter. I don't know. I just don't know.
CLI. Nap. Trial.
9:01pm. Los Angeles. Home.
Just got the call about teaching again at CLI. I want to do it but I only want to teach one course in particular. Don't know if that course is going to be offered though. Fingers crossed.
I had a good nap today. I worked with my morning client in Inglewood then went to my Beverly Hills client. Both were a dream. I came home and knocked out. I am glad I didn't have to go all the way to Long Beach tonight. I'll probably be up all night because I slept so much after work.
I have another client in the hospital right now. I may go and see her tomorrow. She has only been in the hospital two days and she claims she has been in a month. I feel for her because in her mind it has really probably been a whole month. She's my other Inglewood client.
I haven't listened to the trial yet. I plan to but not yet. Triggers everywhere I bet. The trial between Kavanaugh and Ford. Wondering what if Ford was not white, articulate, employed, housed. The way she is not believed by many men now, who would believe her then? I believe her. I am not on the side of the abuser.
I slept a lot but I am still tired. Gonna crash again while I can.
Love yourselves.
Just got the call about teaching again at CLI. I want to do it but I only want to teach one course in particular. Don't know if that course is going to be offered though. Fingers crossed.
I had a good nap today. I worked with my morning client in Inglewood then went to my Beverly Hills client. Both were a dream. I came home and knocked out. I am glad I didn't have to go all the way to Long Beach tonight. I'll probably be up all night because I slept so much after work.
I have another client in the hospital right now. I may go and see her tomorrow. She has only been in the hospital two days and she claims she has been in a month. I feel for her because in her mind it has really probably been a whole month. She's my other Inglewood client.
I haven't listened to the trial yet. I plan to but not yet. Triggers everywhere I bet. The trial between Kavanaugh and Ford. Wondering what if Ford was not white, articulate, employed, housed. The way she is not believed by many men now, who would believe her then? I believe her. I am not on the side of the abuser.
I slept a lot but I am still tired. Gonna crash again while I can.
Love yourselves.
IHSS. Pay or quit. Wish.
Friday, September 28, 2018 12:22am Los Angeles. Home.
Yesterday morning I went to an 8:00 meeting with IHSS (some kind of state thing for caregivers). Mostly they were trying to get us to join a union. The meeting was three hours long though. How about breaking me off some skrilla for my time. I ended up joining the union. Yep. Then I went to my Beverly Hills client then went to my Long Beach client. I was late getting to Long Beach because the freeway was so backed up. I hate being late.
Got a three day pay or quit notice from my landlord a couple days ago. I'm working on it but I still don't have all the money. This shit right here could stress the fuck out of me but I'm not going to let it. I don't know how it's going to work out but I know that it is.
I'm proud of myself for staying on my meds through this. This is usually the time I decide that the meds aren't working, making me too numb, I'm sick of them or that it's time for me to take a break from them. I need them now and I'm glad I am sticking to them.
I wish an easier life for artists
An easier time for people who live to help other people
I wish peace on the poets in the world
Love to the storytellers and painters
I wish joy on the teachers and doctors
I wish happiness on the mothers and fathers
Yesterday morning I went to an 8:00 meeting with IHSS (some kind of state thing for caregivers). Mostly they were trying to get us to join a union. The meeting was three hours long though. How about breaking me off some skrilla for my time. I ended up joining the union. Yep. Then I went to my Beverly Hills client then went to my Long Beach client. I was late getting to Long Beach because the freeway was so backed up. I hate being late.
Got a three day pay or quit notice from my landlord a couple days ago. I'm working on it but I still don't have all the money. This shit right here could stress the fuck out of me but I'm not going to let it. I don't know how it's going to work out but I know that it is.
I'm proud of myself for staying on my meds through this. This is usually the time I decide that the meds aren't working, making me too numb, I'm sick of them or that it's time for me to take a break from them. I need them now and I'm glad I am sticking to them.
I wish an easier life for artists
An easier time for people who live to help other people
I wish peace on the poets in the world
Love to the storytellers and painters
I wish joy on the teachers and doctors
I wish happiness on the mothers and fathers
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Day off with pay
Wednesday, September 26, 2018 11:52pm Los Angeles. Home.
I give thanks for another day. Put it this way, if I wanted to be stressed out there are things I could be stressed out over. I'm trying not to be stressed.
Thankfully I was on my way to my first client's house and her daughter called me and told me I had the day off with pay. Ain't gotta tell me twice. I went back home and took a nap then went to my second client's house and started feeling a little ill. When my shift was over I called in to my third client and told them that I needed to take the night off. I just didn't have another five hours in me. I slept at home for a little while then decided to go down to the World Stage and hear some poetry. I'm glad I did. I gotta get to bed early because I have a class to take in the morning at 8. Yes, 8. I haven't had to be anywhere at 8am in a long time. Pray my strength y'all.
Seriously, please pray for me.
Love yourselves.
I give thanks for another day. Put it this way, if I wanted to be stressed out there are things I could be stressed out over. I'm trying not to be stressed.
Thankfully I was on my way to my first client's house and her daughter called me and told me I had the day off with pay. Ain't gotta tell me twice. I went back home and took a nap then went to my second client's house and started feeling a little ill. When my shift was over I called in to my third client and told them that I needed to take the night off. I just didn't have another five hours in me. I slept at home for a little while then decided to go down to the World Stage and hear some poetry. I'm glad I did. I gotta get to bed early because I have a class to take in the morning at 8. Yes, 8. I haven't had to be anywhere at 8am in a long time. Pray my strength y'all.
Seriously, please pray for me.
Love yourselves.
Two clients. Three clients. Bill Cosby.
Tuesday, September 25, 2018 11:48pm Los Angeles. Home.
Another long day with two clients. I don't really enjoy two client days but I enjoy getting paid. So therein lies the problem. I had a pretty easy shift with both of them. I am always praying for an easy shift with my second client because it's not always easy. Today was though. I have anxiety about seeing her sometimes. I need the money right now so I'm not going to quit, even though I want to. And I like the family. I don't wanna leave them hanging. I also have to think about my peace too though. I don't know how it's going to work out. I know it is though.
Tomorrow is a super long day because I have three clients in one day. I don't think I have ever done three clients, but we will see how I feel tomorrow. I have them all back to back too which means another day of me eating bad food. Yes I know I could pack a lunch but I'm not. I'm going to stop somewhere a get a bite in between clients. I have one early morning in Inglewood then I go straight to my noon client near the Beverly Center then I head back to my night client in Long Beach. I'm going to have to gas up tomorrow.
In better news, I did get some reading done this weekend. I read more of Michelle's book. It's a fictionalized memoir and it is soooo good. It's like reading someone's journal or private blog about their family. It's really interesting and the writing is great. I'm so glad I know talented people. I wanted to read some more tonight but that's probably not going to happen. I took my meds and I'm about to knock out.
What's going on in the news today? Oh, I think Bill Cosby got sentenced to 3 to 10 years in jail. Yes I think it's unfair that others haven't even been tried. But I also think that Bill shouldn't have drugged and raped women. I don't know how many there were but there were many over many years. Truthfully one was too many. And here we are now with Kavanaugh. People claim that because it happened over thirty-five years ago and that he was a teenager that he shouldn't be prosecuted. Well, I've already voiced my opinion in this but I'll say it again. Boys (men) who are seventeen years old should feel like what they do at that age may follow them to adulthood. Maybe they will be more careful. I'm going to bed though. For real this time.
Love yourselves.
Another long day with two clients. I don't really enjoy two client days but I enjoy getting paid. So therein lies the problem. I had a pretty easy shift with both of them. I am always praying for an easy shift with my second client because it's not always easy. Today was though. I have anxiety about seeing her sometimes. I need the money right now so I'm not going to quit, even though I want to. And I like the family. I don't wanna leave them hanging. I also have to think about my peace too though. I don't know how it's going to work out. I know it is though.
Tomorrow is a super long day because I have three clients in one day. I don't think I have ever done three clients, but we will see how I feel tomorrow. I have them all back to back too which means another day of me eating bad food. Yes I know I could pack a lunch but I'm not. I'm going to stop somewhere a get a bite in between clients. I have one early morning in Inglewood then I go straight to my noon client near the Beverly Center then I head back to my night client in Long Beach. I'm going to have to gas up tomorrow.
In better news, I did get some reading done this weekend. I read more of Michelle's book. It's a fictionalized memoir and it is soooo good. It's like reading someone's journal or private blog about their family. It's really interesting and the writing is great. I'm so glad I know talented people. I wanted to read some more tonight but that's probably not going to happen. I took my meds and I'm about to knock out.
What's going on in the news today? Oh, I think Bill Cosby got sentenced to 3 to 10 years in jail. Yes I think it's unfair that others haven't even been tried. But I also think that Bill shouldn't have drugged and raped women. I don't know how many there were but there were many over many years. Truthfully one was too many. And here we are now with Kavanaugh. People claim that because it happened over thirty-five years ago and that he was a teenager that he shouldn't be prosecuted. Well, I've already voiced my opinion in this but I'll say it again. Boys (men) who are seventeen years old should feel like what they do at that age may follow them to adulthood. Maybe they will be more careful. I'm going to bed though. For real this time.
Love yourselves.
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Relaxing. Waiting. Black parenting.
10:20pm
I had a pretty relaxing day today. I didn't do much. Right now I'm just waiting for Uraeus to get home. You know the wait. You know the prayer. Let him make it home safely and soon. You know. If you are a parent or someone who is concerned about a young one or just someone in your life. They don't get too old to stop worrying about them. I try not to call it worry though. Thankfully I did hear from him. Now I'm just waiting.
I had a pretty relaxing day today. I didn't do much. Right now I'm just waiting for Uraeus to get home. You know the wait. You know the prayer. Let him make it home safely and soon. You know. If you are a parent or someone who is concerned about a young one or just someone in your life. They don't get too old to stop worrying about them. I try not to call it worry though. Thankfully I did hear from him. Now I'm just waiting.
Thoughts. Run on. Stream.
2:30am
the thoughts are coming back / the thoughts are back / the scary thoughts / it feels like the beginning of my period except I don't get a period anymore / but I still remember those warning cramps before the blood comes / before the real pain / that's where I am / the depression is coming and it wants me to know / it does not want me comfortable in comfortable / comfortable in ease / this is the space that is scary / not the depression / the space like now / when I know it's coming / and I can't do anything about it / not anything new / I know the prayers to pray and I have prayed them / I hate this cycle / I hate this circle of high / then even / then the low warning / then the low / it is hard to work / shower / sleep / think / eat right / drink water / the scary thoughts that make me disappear in my dreams / I don't want to disappear / I just don't want this cycle / it's coming and there is nothing for me to do but brace myself
the thoughts are coming back / the thoughts are back / the scary thoughts / it feels like the beginning of my period except I don't get a period anymore / but I still remember those warning cramps before the blood comes / before the real pain / that's where I am / the depression is coming and it wants me to know / it does not want me comfortable in comfortable / comfortable in ease / this is the space that is scary / not the depression / the space like now / when I know it's coming / and I can't do anything about it / not anything new / I know the prayers to pray and I have prayed them / I hate this cycle / I hate this circle of high / then even / then the low warning / then the low / it is hard to work / shower / sleep / think / eat right / drink water / the scary thoughts that make me disappear in my dreams / I don't want to disappear / I just don't want this cycle / it's coming and there is nothing for me to do but brace myself
Cigar lounge. Conney. Weight.
Sunday, September 23, 2018 12:15am Los Angeles. Home.
So technically it's Sunday but it's like Saturday night and I just got home from a poetry event. A really good one. It was at a cigar lounge and the grown and sexy were smoking cigars. Me included. I had so much fun. Everyone on the microphone was awesome. It was such a grown night. Conney Williams was the feature and he was his usual amazing self. This was only my second time going there and I look forward to going again next month. Kooki is going to be featured next month. Yes!
In other water is wet news, I fucking have to lose some damn weight. When I got home I saw myself tagged in so many photos and I look like a whale. Not that there's anything wrong with whales or looking like them if that's the look you're going for. But it's not the look I'm going for. Anymore. So, there's that.
Love yourselves.
Good job Iyesha Parker on the spot tonight.
So technically it's Sunday but it's like Saturday night and I just got home from a poetry event. A really good one. It was at a cigar lounge and the grown and sexy were smoking cigars. Me included. I had so much fun. Everyone on the microphone was awesome. It was such a grown night. Conney Williams was the feature and he was his usual amazing self. This was only my second time going there and I look forward to going again next month. Kooki is going to be featured next month. Yes!
In other water is wet news, I fucking have to lose some damn weight. When I got home I saw myself tagged in so many photos and I look like a whale. Not that there's anything wrong with whales or looking like them if that's the look you're going for. But it's not the look I'm going for. Anymore. So, there's that.
Love yourselves.
Good job Iyesha Parker on the spot tonight.
Saturday, September 22, 2018
One client day. Law & Order. Off tomorrow.
Saturday, September 22, 2018 12:39am Los Angeles. Home.
I only had one client today!!!!! That felt good. After I saw her I went to see a friend and we went to sit at the beach for a while. I left her and went to another friend's place and we watched a marathon of Law and Order. I'm home now. Ready for some good sleep. Glad I don't work tomorrow. Gonna catch up on some reading. Maybe go to my writing park.
Y'all love yourselves.
I only had one client today!!!!! That felt good. After I saw her I went to see a friend and we went to sit at the beach for a while. I left her and went to another friend's place and we watched a marathon of Law and Order. I'm home now. Ready for some good sleep. Glad I don't work tomorrow. Gonna catch up on some reading. Maybe go to my writing park.
Y'all love yourselves.
Friday, September 21, 2018
Deacon Who
Thinking about the time I was in early high school or late middle school and a deacon was driving me home. The "bra" on his car was not on tight and was flapping in the wind and he leaned in to me as he was driving and said "What if your bra was flapping in the wind like that?" I gave an uncomfortable laugh and let the moment pass but I wish I would have said I was going to tell my father. How uncomfortable would he have been then? My father wasn't a church going guy. He was always suspicious of the men in the church and how they kissed women. My mom and I blew his remarks off like "he just didn't understand" but he did understand. There were some creepy men in the church and I wish I said something to him.
Women for Kavanaugh
Seeing Women for Kavanaugh signs is disgusting. Yes, men should be held accountable today for a sex crime with they were 17 years old. Maybe if more 17 year old boys felt like what they did today would come back for them in the future they might think about what they are doing today. So no, this woman is not for Kavanaugh.
Ok work day. Tired. Anita Hill.
Friday, September 21, 2018 12:01am Los Angeles. Home.
I actually did get in before midnight, just messing around on the computer and just now logging into this blog. So it's like Thursday night for me. I worked another long day. Had two clients back to back. My first client was cool as usual and then my second was ok. We had an ok day. I needed ok. I wanted easy but I did settle for ok. It's hard work with her sometimes. Usually. But I really like her family. Her children treat me really nice and I feel very much appreciated. By them. Not really by her. But...hey.
I'm tired. I have an early client in the morning and then the day is mine.
I'm going to get some sleep. I woke up late today and was tired all day long.
Love yourselves.
Oh yeah, I still believe Anita Hill. Yep.
I actually did get in before midnight, just messing around on the computer and just now logging into this blog. So it's like Thursday night for me. I worked another long day. Had two clients back to back. My first client was cool as usual and then my second was ok. We had an ok day. I needed ok. I wanted easy but I did settle for ok. It's hard work with her sometimes. Usually. But I really like her family. Her children treat me really nice and I feel very much appreciated. By them. Not really by her. But...hey.
I'm tired. I have an early client in the morning and then the day is mine.
I'm going to get some sleep. I woke up late today and was tired all day long.
Love yourselves.
Oh yeah, I still believe Anita Hill. Yep.
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Home. Easy. Not easy.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018 11:56pm Los Angeles. Home.
I am sooooooo happy to be home tonight. I had another long day. My first client was easy. She usually is. My second client was challenging. It took prayer and faith to get through the shift. But I made it. I have both clients again tomorrow and then I get a little break on Friday. That's good news.
I took my meds tonight. By the way, as much as I was resisting taking my meds last night I did take them. Oh, and looky here, I made it home before midnight. For some reason I am always rushing to do that and I made it tonight.
Maybe I'll come back and say a few words but I think I'm done here for tonight.
Love yourselves.
I am sooooooo happy to be home tonight. I had another long day. My first client was easy. She usually is. My second client was challenging. It took prayer and faith to get through the shift. But I made it. I have both clients again tomorrow and then I get a little break on Friday. That's good news.
I took my meds tonight. By the way, as much as I was resisting taking my meds last night I did take them. Oh, and looky here, I made it home before midnight. For some reason I am always rushing to do that and I made it tonight.
Maybe I'll come back and say a few words but I think I'm done here for tonight.
Love yourselves.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
Pills
I don't wanna take my meds tonight. I don't know why but I really don't want to. I will. I need to now more than ever. Sometimes I get like this. The pills make me numb. Maybe I need numb right now. I'm going to take them. I am. In a minute. Snooze button. Another minute.
Creating goodness
Wednesday, September 19, 2018 12:18am Los Angeles. Home.
I get off at 11 and will try to make it home by midnight. I usually fail. I don't know what I'm racing home to by midnight. But I do. I had a long day today. I had two clients back to back today. My first one was easier than my second but all in all I had two good shifts. I'll have two clients tomorrow also so I better get some rest.
Thinking about creating goodness for myself and drawing to myself what I think and being careful about what I let in and out of my body (mouth, mind). This is no new thought just something I'm going to be careful about in the coming days. Working a lot like I have been doing is usually a trigger for a depressive episode and I'm trying to fight it before it even gets here. I've been showering and writing. I know it's hard for my family (especially) to read about me going through depressive episodes as well as manic episodes. I know it's hard. But I have to write about it. It's how I make sense of it. I have to write about it to get it off and out of me. I'm not seeing a therapist so this is like therapy for me. Even when I was seeing a therapist I was writing. I have a story about my family that they can only deal with me happy but that's not how my life is set up. Sometimes I am deeply sad. Suicidal ideation is a part of my make up. Thankfully it has been over a month since I have had any of those thoughts. That's something to celebrate it think. No, I know it is. So I'm going to fight the episode trying to come. It may win but not without a fight. I have to schedule in some rest. I must.
Send up some prayers and love yourselves.
I get off at 11 and will try to make it home by midnight. I usually fail. I don't know what I'm racing home to by midnight. But I do. I had a long day today. I had two clients back to back today. My first one was easier than my second but all in all I had two good shifts. I'll have two clients tomorrow also so I better get some rest.
Thinking about creating goodness for myself and drawing to myself what I think and being careful about what I let in and out of my body (mouth, mind). This is no new thought just something I'm going to be careful about in the coming days. Working a lot like I have been doing is usually a trigger for a depressive episode and I'm trying to fight it before it even gets here. I've been showering and writing. I know it's hard for my family (especially) to read about me going through depressive episodes as well as manic episodes. I know it's hard. But I have to write about it. It's how I make sense of it. I have to write about it to get it off and out of me. I'm not seeing a therapist so this is like therapy for me. Even when I was seeing a therapist I was writing. I have a story about my family that they can only deal with me happy but that's not how my life is set up. Sometimes I am deeply sad. Suicidal ideation is a part of my make up. Thankfully it has been over a month since I have had any of those thoughts. That's something to celebrate it think. No, I know it is. So I'm going to fight the episode trying to come. It may win but not without a fight. I have to schedule in some rest. I must.
Send up some prayers and love yourselves.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Two clients. Happy. Two clients tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018 12:18am Los Angeles. Home.
Hey family! I'm just getting home about thirty minutes ago. Happy to be here. I had two clients today. One this morning and another one tonight. Both shifts went well. Now I am sipping on some creamy Jamaican rum and it is sooooo good! Yas! My mood is good. Yesterday I was just kinda happy for no reason. I like that feeling. I don't have much to say right now. I'm going to mess around on Facebook then go to bed. I have two clients again tomorrow so I have a long day.
Love yourselves.
Hey family! I'm just getting home about thirty minutes ago. Happy to be here. I had two clients today. One this morning and another one tonight. Both shifts went well. Now I am sipping on some creamy Jamaican rum and it is sooooo good! Yas! My mood is good. Yesterday I was just kinda happy for no reason. I like that feeling. I don't have much to say right now. I'm going to mess around on Facebook then go to bed. I have two clients again tomorrow so I have a long day.
Love yourselves.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Botham Jean. Names. Black.
I said Botham Jean's name for the first time out loud today. The first time. I read it. But I never let his name out my mouth. Maybe I thought I could save it for later and it wouldn't be true. Maybe I was afraid I would accidently say my own son's name. Or your boy's name. There are so many names. There are so many reasons to be afraid. But I have to hang on to hope. Don't I? Don't I have to? Because I sure feel like I'm doing something wrong here. Because I am losing my grip. Hope should be easier to hold onto. Botham Jean. Botham Jean. I keep thinking I could spell it wrong and he won't be dead. I could mispronounce it and he will still be alive. In his own apartment. Minding his own business. What business do we have with business anymore anyway? What good is business to mind if your life can be taken away just like that? So what do I do with this? What do I do with this anger? What do I do with this fear? What about my son, my nephew, my nieces, the neighbor's children? What about them when they are playing video games or doing homework or talking on the phone in their own homes? Minding their business? What about this hate in me that is starting to grow? Do I get it checked out? Where do I go? Do I keep my son locked in this apartment? Because even apartments aren't safe. What is the talk now? How should it go? If a policeman or woman comes through the door...then what? Sing a song? Show your teeth? What? Somebody better tell me something. My son has to walk past the police station to go to work. Should I tell him to go the other way? Somebody better tell me something. Somebody better preach a word that feels good to me. Something I can hold on to. Somebody better something.
Sunday, September 16, 2018
Laura. Reading. Law & Order.
Sunday, September 16, 2018 10:25pm Los Angeles. Home.
Today Laura went with me to the reading at Hollywood Hotel. I'm so glad she did. She had a great time as I assumed she would. I had a great time too. I sold books and I think my set went over very well. I enjoyed listening to the other women perform also. I think my favorite poem of the night was Angela Aguirre's poem about her mother. About how strong and courageous and bold and street and brave she is. It made me want to meet her mother. Angela is a phenomenal woman herself so I'm sure her mother is fire.
After the reading Laura and I went back to her house and ate enchiladas and played with the dog, Misty and watched Law and Order. A good night. I have to be at work early in the morning with a new client so I came on home and Laura was getting sleepy.
So thankfully I'm home now and about to turn in. I got off the phone with my mother about twenty minutes ago. She was thinking about moving to Palmdale but now her house search has led her to a new city, Bakersfield, near our cousin. She didn't want to go quite that far out but the homes in Bakersfield are less expensive than the ones in Palmdale. At least the ones in a good neighborhood in Palmdale. Bakersfield is a little far out for me too but I want what she wants. She wants a house and I want that for her. If it means moving out there then I will do it. I am honestly thankful that I have my mother. So many of my friends don't. I lost my father in 2009 and let's just say I'll do what I can do to keep my mother happy and here.
Speaking of keeping her happy, she read my new poem Why I write that I posted on Facebook and it made her sad. I'm really sorry that it made her sad but I did feel the need to express my truth. She was sad about reading about the parts where I talked about being bipolar. I know that if she could take the disease away from me she would. But she can't. And there are parts of it I can only get out in my writing. I'm glad we got to talk about it.
Well, I gotta get up early tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep now.
Love yourselves.
Today Laura went with me to the reading at Hollywood Hotel. I'm so glad she did. She had a great time as I assumed she would. I had a great time too. I sold books and I think my set went over very well. I enjoyed listening to the other women perform also. I think my favorite poem of the night was Angela Aguirre's poem about her mother. About how strong and courageous and bold and street and brave she is. It made me want to meet her mother. Angela is a phenomenal woman herself so I'm sure her mother is fire.
After the reading Laura and I went back to her house and ate enchiladas and played with the dog, Misty and watched Law and Order. A good night. I have to be at work early in the morning with a new client so I came on home and Laura was getting sleepy.
So thankfully I'm home now and about to turn in. I got off the phone with my mother about twenty minutes ago. She was thinking about moving to Palmdale but now her house search has led her to a new city, Bakersfield, near our cousin. She didn't want to go quite that far out but the homes in Bakersfield are less expensive than the ones in Palmdale. At least the ones in a good neighborhood in Palmdale. Bakersfield is a little far out for me too but I want what she wants. She wants a house and I want that for her. If it means moving out there then I will do it. I am honestly thankful that I have my mother. So many of my friends don't. I lost my father in 2009 and let's just say I'll do what I can do to keep my mother happy and here.
Speaking of keeping her happy, she read my new poem Why I write that I posted on Facebook and it made her sad. I'm really sorry that it made her sad but I did feel the need to express my truth. She was sad about reading about the parts where I talked about being bipolar. I know that if she could take the disease away from me she would. But she can't. And there are parts of it I can only get out in my writing. I'm glad we got to talk about it.
Well, I gotta get up early tomorrow so I'm going to get some sleep now.
Love yourselves.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Rest. Feature. Wearing what?
Saturday, September 15, 2018 8:47pm Los Angeles. Home.
I've been inside all day today. I got up maybe three times. I'm just now getting to the reading that I was going to be doing all day long. I needed the rest though. I really did. I was exhausted and dehydrated. Two of the times I got up today was for water and food. It's still early. I'll stay up pretty late reading and getting caught up. I still don't know what I'm doing tomorrow in my set at the Hollywood Hotel but it will come to be some time tonight. The show is early, like from 3 to 5. That's cool. Get in there and get out. I can never talk about this show without talking about how excited I am to be a part of it. I don't even know what I'm wearing. Welp, good thing I did laundry yesterday.
I'm jumping off early tonight, y'all.
Love yourselves.
I've been inside all day today. I got up maybe three times. I'm just now getting to the reading that I was going to be doing all day long. I needed the rest though. I really did. I was exhausted and dehydrated. Two of the times I got up today was for water and food. It's still early. I'll stay up pretty late reading and getting caught up. I still don't know what I'm doing tomorrow in my set at the Hollywood Hotel but it will come to be some time tonight. The show is early, like from 3 to 5. That's cool. Get in there and get out. I can never talk about this show without talking about how excited I am to be a part of it. I don't even know what I'm wearing. Welp, good thing I did laundry yesterday.
I'm jumping off early tonight, y'all.
Love yourselves.
What I write about
When people meet me and find out I am a poet
Sometimes they ask me to recite a poem for them
I usually refuse
But they want to leave with something
They ask me what I write about
I tell them I write about me
I write about being black and bipolar
About being a mother of a black man 6 feet tall with dark skin facial hair and locks
I write about being afraid
All the fucking time
I write about how many times I say his name in my prayers
How my prayers have become a superstition
How if I don't say his name his body will disappear
I write about being fat and unloved and I make them mean the same thing
One the result of the other
I write about being retired from love but secretly wanting a kiss on my thigh
My forehead, behind my ear, on my nose, in the palms of my hands
I write about hands
About elbows
About feet
And knees
And lotion
I write about depression
How I go days sometimes without a shower
How I swear the world is swallowing me up
How I threaten to kill myself as soon as I am caught up on the rent
I live in Los Angeles so I write about the rent
I write about being a woman
Being silenced
Being abused
About the rape
About the molestation
About how long and ashy his dick was
I write about being 4 and his long and ashy dick going in and out of my mouth like that
I write about the first dick I wanted inside me
And about the last one years ago
I write about the mania
And how it makes me want to fly
How I know I can fly
You wanna see me fly
Bet you I can jump off this bridge and land on the roof of a car and surf the freeway like a pro
What
You wanna see
I write about my friends
How we dedicate poems to each other to keep each other alive
I'm a caregiver so I write about old people
The ones who remember I am human and the ones who think I am their slave
Just here to clean false teeth and wipe shit
I am an artist so I write about stick figures in color
Girls double Dutching in the driveway
Boys playing baseball in the middle of the street
And all the faces look like me
I write about how there must be more to this world
There must be a better way to heal it
Because I'm a healer too
Yes, I'm a healer too
When I'm not thinking about escaping this world
I'm thinking of ways to make it spin a little easier
Some way fair for all of us
I write about dreams
How God and I have this one on one time by a lake
And even though I know it's a dream I'm like
Wow! I'm alone with God by the lake
So really I don't know
I write about a lot of things
It just depends on the day
Sometimes they ask me to recite a poem for them
I usually refuse
But they want to leave with something
They ask me what I write about
I tell them I write about me
I write about being black and bipolar
About being a mother of a black man 6 feet tall with dark skin facial hair and locks
I write about being afraid
All the fucking time
I write about how many times I say his name in my prayers
How my prayers have become a superstition
How if I don't say his name his body will disappear
I write about being fat and unloved and I make them mean the same thing
One the result of the other
I write about being retired from love but secretly wanting a kiss on my thigh
My forehead, behind my ear, on my nose, in the palms of my hands
I write about hands
About elbows
About feet
And knees
And lotion
I write about depression
How I go days sometimes without a shower
How I swear the world is swallowing me up
How I threaten to kill myself as soon as I am caught up on the rent
I live in Los Angeles so I write about the rent
I write about being a woman
Being silenced
Being abused
About the rape
About the molestation
About how long and ashy his dick was
I write about being 4 and his long and ashy dick going in and out of my mouth like that
I write about the first dick I wanted inside me
And about the last one years ago
I write about the mania
And how it makes me want to fly
How I know I can fly
You wanna see me fly
Bet you I can jump off this bridge and land on the roof of a car and surf the freeway like a pro
What
You wanna see
I write about my friends
How we dedicate poems to each other to keep each other alive
I'm a caregiver so I write about old people
The ones who remember I am human and the ones who think I am their slave
Just here to clean false teeth and wipe shit
I am an artist so I write about stick figures in color
Girls double Dutching in the driveway
Boys playing baseball in the middle of the street
And all the faces look like me
I write about how there must be more to this world
There must be a better way to heal it
Because I'm a healer too
Yes, I'm a healer too
When I'm not thinking about escaping this world
I'm thinking of ways to make it spin a little easier
Some way fair for all of us
I write about dreams
How God and I have this one on one time by a lake
And even though I know it's a dream I'm like
Wow! I'm alone with God by the lake
So really I don't know
I write about a lot of things
It just depends on the day
Friday, September 14, 2018
Home. Long Beach. Hurricane Florence.
Friday, September 14, 2018 9:14pm Los Angeles. Home.
Happy to be home. I love being home. I went down to Long Beach today and did some laundry at my sister's house. I was going to link up with LaLa to do an interview but we are going to reschedule that. So I wasn't as artsy as I had planned to be today. But that's ok. Tomorrow's a new day. I need to get my set together for the reading on Sunday "The women at the table." Crazy fun expected.
In other news, sending love to those in the path of Hurricane Florence. I pray for the homeless, the animals, those in jail (who they have no plans to move), for those who can't leave because they have no money and no way. I don't know how many have been killed so far but I'm praying.
So I know I'm jumping around a lot here, from LaLa to Hurricane Florence to whatever else I'm about to get into but that's what I do here. You know me by now. And if you don't know, welcome. I'm thinking about something I've recently talked about here and that is this idea of being easy with yourself. People say that often. Do people say that to you often? They say it to me. I know they're right but what does that really look like in real life? When I brought it up last time I didn't answer the question I just explored. What does it look like to be easy on yourself? Does it mean to let yourself off the hook for every wrong you do? It can't mean that. I certainly charge myself for when I am wrong but I'm a harsh judge. I judge myself more strongly than I judge other people. I think, if I have to answer the question, being easy on yourself is recognizing when you've done something wrong and owning it but not denying yourself good because of one mistake. It's also recognizing that a mistake happened but it wasn't your fault even if you were involved, like a rape for example. There are rape victims running around beating themselves up because an abuser raped them. They are blaming themselves for what they wore or that they were drunk or something like when really they aren't to blame.
I took my meds when I walked through the door and I'm over here yawning like nobody's business. Let me take my sleepy self to bed.
Love yourselves.
Happy to be home. I love being home. I went down to Long Beach today and did some laundry at my sister's house. I was going to link up with LaLa to do an interview but we are going to reschedule that. So I wasn't as artsy as I had planned to be today. But that's ok. Tomorrow's a new day. I need to get my set together for the reading on Sunday "The women at the table." Crazy fun expected.
In other news, sending love to those in the path of Hurricane Florence. I pray for the homeless, the animals, those in jail (who they have no plans to move), for those who can't leave because they have no money and no way. I don't know how many have been killed so far but I'm praying.
So I know I'm jumping around a lot here, from LaLa to Hurricane Florence to whatever else I'm about to get into but that's what I do here. You know me by now. And if you don't know, welcome. I'm thinking about something I've recently talked about here and that is this idea of being easy with yourself. People say that often. Do people say that to you often? They say it to me. I know they're right but what does that really look like in real life? When I brought it up last time I didn't answer the question I just explored. What does it look like to be easy on yourself? Does it mean to let yourself off the hook for every wrong you do? It can't mean that. I certainly charge myself for when I am wrong but I'm a harsh judge. I judge myself more strongly than I judge other people. I think, if I have to answer the question, being easy on yourself is recognizing when you've done something wrong and owning it but not denying yourself good because of one mistake. It's also recognizing that a mistake happened but it wasn't your fault even if you were involved, like a rape for example. There are rape victims running around beating themselves up because an abuser raped them. They are blaming themselves for what they wore or that they were drunk or something like when really they aren't to blame.
I took my meds when I walked through the door and I'm over here yawning like nobody's business. Let me take my sleepy self to bed.
Love yourselves.
Home. Outside plans. Accidents.
Thursday, September 13, 2018 11:59pm Los Angeles. Home.
I am thankful for being home right now. I had an ok shift with my client. I don't work with her again until Tuesday. I send her love until then. Tomorrow I'm interviewing LaLa Deville. She's a poet on the L.A. scene and she has an interesting story. I'm always looking for an interesting story. I used to do interviews on this blog all the time and then for some reason I stopped. I don't think I intended to stop stop just...break. Well, the break is over. I asked her today and she said yes. I'll meet her at her place tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to doing something creative. I've been working as a caregiver for so many days in a row my body forgets that I'm an artist. Speaking of me being an artist, I'm featured again at the Hollywood Hotel in the Make room for black women show this Sunday. I was featured last month as well and had a crazy good time. I expect the same awesome energy to be in the house Sunday also. I don't know what pieces I'll do but I pray they bless someone there.
I plan to get up early tomorrow. I'm not promising a walk but I'm getting my butt out of bed. Maybe I'll post some art for sale on Facebook. It's been a minute since I've sold any art or even tried to. I'm feeling all fuzzy and creative and stuff right now. I love it. Love it with me please. At the same time I'm feeling creative the activist in me is angry about the murder of Botham Jean. Just when I feel like white folks can not possible out white folk themselves, they do. So this police officer, a woman "accidently" walks into the wrong apartment and shoots a black man who was doing nothing but minding his own business but she thought it was her apartment??? Can we pause for a minute. Fuck!
And as per usual they are trying to make him the criminal. They found marijuana in his apartment (like that means a damn thing). I can't with this world sometimes. Maybe I will take a walk in the morning after all.
Be safe out there loves.
I am thankful for being home right now. I had an ok shift with my client. I don't work with her again until Tuesday. I send her love until then. Tomorrow I'm interviewing LaLa Deville. She's a poet on the L.A. scene and she has an interesting story. I'm always looking for an interesting story. I used to do interviews on this blog all the time and then for some reason I stopped. I don't think I intended to stop stop just...break. Well, the break is over. I asked her today and she said yes. I'll meet her at her place tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to doing something creative. I've been working as a caregiver for so many days in a row my body forgets that I'm an artist. Speaking of me being an artist, I'm featured again at the Hollywood Hotel in the Make room for black women show this Sunday. I was featured last month as well and had a crazy good time. I expect the same awesome energy to be in the house Sunday also. I don't know what pieces I'll do but I pray they bless someone there.
I plan to get up early tomorrow. I'm not promising a walk but I'm getting my butt out of bed. Maybe I'll post some art for sale on Facebook. It's been a minute since I've sold any art or even tried to. I'm feeling all fuzzy and creative and stuff right now. I love it. Love it with me please. At the same time I'm feeling creative the activist in me is angry about the murder of Botham Jean. Just when I feel like white folks can not possible out white folk themselves, they do. So this police officer, a woman "accidently" walks into the wrong apartment and shoots a black man who was doing nothing but minding his own business but she thought it was her apartment??? Can we pause for a minute. Fuck!
And as per usual they are trying to make him the criminal. They found marijuana in his apartment (like that means a damn thing). I can't with this world sometimes. Maybe I will take a walk in the morning after all.
Be safe out there loves.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Rough night. In her shoes. Home.
Thursday, September 13, 2018 Los Angeles. Home.
Just got in about fifteen minutes ago. It's weird that fifteen minutes ago was yesterday. Anyway. I had a simi rough night with my client. With much prayer I got through. The other thing that helps me get through my shift when she is being challenging is that I don't take it personal. It's not about me. Also I don't know what it's like to walk in her shoes or lie in her bed. It must be hard sometimes to know that sooner than later you're going to die. I mean, we all are going to die but to live in hospice care has to do something emotionally to a person. I try to be as easy as I can be. It doesn't mean that it's not hard on me sometimes and it doesn't mean that sometimes I fail miserably at not taking it personal. All that said, I'm glad I'm home now. I'm also glad I'm off Friday. I have a lot to catch up on and I plan to really get it done Friday.
I took my meds already and plan on resting well. I hope you get some good sleep too.
Love yourselves.
Just got in about fifteen minutes ago. It's weird that fifteen minutes ago was yesterday. Anyway. I had a simi rough night with my client. With much prayer I got through. The other thing that helps me get through my shift when she is being challenging is that I don't take it personal. It's not about me. Also I don't know what it's like to walk in her shoes or lie in her bed. It must be hard sometimes to know that sooner than later you're going to die. I mean, we all are going to die but to live in hospice care has to do something emotionally to a person. I try to be as easy as I can be. It doesn't mean that it's not hard on me sometimes and it doesn't mean that sometimes I fail miserably at not taking it personal. All that said, I'm glad I'm home now. I'm also glad I'm off Friday. I have a lot to catch up on and I plan to really get it done Friday.
I took my meds already and plan on resting well. I hope you get some good sleep too.
Love yourselves.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
Good shift. Mother's prayer. Suicide prevention week.
Tuesday, September 11, 2018 11:59pm Los Angeles. Home.
Just getting in about fifteen minutes ago. I had a pretty good shift with my client. I saw my mother before went to my client's house. I told her I really needed a good shift and she said a prayer for me. It worked. Thankfully tomorrow I only have one client and hopefully it goes well again. I need a couple of days off because I'm so tired every day. I'll get it together.
I already took my meds for tonight so I should be sleep soon and hopefully throughout the night.
Oh, this is national suicide prevention week and I posted on Facebook and so I'll post a few thoughts here too. I get it. the thoughts the self conversations and goodbyes you mean to be forever but hope they won't be. For me it's not that I wanna die it's that I want the living to be easier. I want the drama in my head to not hurt so much. I want the hallucinations to go away. I want the depression to lift. I want to come down from the mania. I want the anxiety to ease. But I wake up and tell myself that I'm here. I'm here again. And I keep telling myself that. I don't promise myself a good day I just pray I get through what the day brings. And while some days are better than others, I'm here.
You're here too.
Love yourselves
Just getting in about fifteen minutes ago. I had a pretty good shift with my client. I saw my mother before went to my client's house. I told her I really needed a good shift and she said a prayer for me. It worked. Thankfully tomorrow I only have one client and hopefully it goes well again. I need a couple of days off because I'm so tired every day. I'll get it together.
I already took my meds for tonight so I should be sleep soon and hopefully throughout the night.
Oh, this is national suicide prevention week and I posted on Facebook and so I'll post a few thoughts here too. I get it. the thoughts the self conversations and goodbyes you mean to be forever but hope they won't be. For me it's not that I wanna die it's that I want the living to be easier. I want the drama in my head to not hurt so much. I want the hallucinations to go away. I want the depression to lift. I want to come down from the mania. I want the anxiety to ease. But I wake up and tell myself that I'm here. I'm here again. And I keep telling myself that. I don't promise myself a good day I just pray I get through what the day brings. And while some days are better than others, I'm here.
You're here too.
Love yourselves
Monday, September 10, 2018
Two clients. Clean home. Good news.
Monday, September 10, 2018 8:43pm. Los Angeles. Home.
Finally home. I had two clients today. One in Inglewood and the other near Beverly Hills. Both were easy, I was just tired. Thankfully my wonderful son had the apartment cleaned when I got home. Praise God. I had no energy to do it. I'm going to turn in early because I have to get up early like 7am to take V's son to the bus station. I better set all kinds of alarms because I'm not likely to wake up at 7 on my own. Hopefully she will call me.
I have my Long Beach client tomorrow. Maybe I'll go down there early so I can do some laundry at my sister's place. It sure needs to get done and I don't have to desire or quarters to do it downstairs.
It's 8:48 and I don't have much to say tonight. Gonna sign off.
Oh, I do feel a little better than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was afraid I was headed down depression road. Today I don't feel depressed, just super tired. So that's good news.
Love yourselves
Finally home. I had two clients today. One in Inglewood and the other near Beverly Hills. Both were easy, I was just tired. Thankfully my wonderful son had the apartment cleaned when I got home. Praise God. I had no energy to do it. I'm going to turn in early because I have to get up early like 7am to take V's son to the bus station. I better set all kinds of alarms because I'm not likely to wake up at 7 on my own. Hopefully she will call me.
I have my Long Beach client tomorrow. Maybe I'll go down there early so I can do some laundry at my sister's place. It sure needs to get done and I don't have to desire or quarters to do it downstairs.
It's 8:48 and I don't have much to say tonight. Gonna sign off.
Oh, I do feel a little better than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was afraid I was headed down depression road. Today I don't feel depressed, just super tired. So that's good news.
Love yourselves
Sunday, September 9, 2018
Meds. Avoiding the sinking. Clouds approaching.
I'm going to take my meds and go to bed. I feel myself sinking and it's not a good feeling. I'm disappointed because I've been on such a good roll. Every time I start getting depressed after having been doing so well I feel disappointed like I should never feel down again. I'm going to be easy on myself though. I still don't know what that looks like exactly but I'm going to make it up as I go along.
Bang bang
Working too many days in a row is a trigger
My place being dirty is a trigger
Crumbs in the fridge is a trigger
Not drinking enough water
Not eating the right food
Not writing
Trigger
Trigger
Trigger
Not taking my meds regularly
I can tell I'm about to be in a depressive space when I haven't showered in a few days
It's been a few days
Being late on the rent is a trigger
Gaining weight is a trigger
My hair growing out
My toenails not done
Not expressing myself
Not expressing my anger
Not doing any art
Dirt on the floor
All triggers for me
I need sleep
A shower
Prayer
A walk
Water
My meds
A talk with a friend
A long drive with no traffic
My floors mopped
My apartment cleaned
Good food
A spa day
A good hug
A good writing prompt
My barber
Cheese
A bottle of 409
My laundry done
Money
A new canvas
Paint
Gas in my car
Peace in my head
My place being dirty is a trigger
Crumbs in the fridge is a trigger
Not drinking enough water
Not eating the right food
Not writing
Trigger
Trigger
Trigger
Not taking my meds regularly
I can tell I'm about to be in a depressive space when I haven't showered in a few days
It's been a few days
Being late on the rent is a trigger
Gaining weight is a trigger
My hair growing out
My toenails not done
Not expressing myself
Not expressing my anger
Not doing any art
Dirt on the floor
All triggers for me
I need sleep
A shower
Prayer
A walk
Water
My meds
A talk with a friend
A long drive with no traffic
My floors mopped
My apartment cleaned
Good food
A spa day
A good hug
A good writing prompt
My barber
Cheese
A bottle of 409
My laundry done
Money
A new canvas
Paint
Gas in my car
Peace in my head
Good work. Penelope's mom. What's next?
Sunday, September 9, 2018 9:19pm Los Angeles. Home.
Work went well today. It usually does with this client. After work I went to see Penelope for a minute. She's still dealing with the death of her mother. It was so quiet in the house. I think Charles was sleeping. She gave me leftover greens and yams and bread from the church. They gave them so much food she couldn't even fit it in her fridge. It was a blessing to me.
I'm just sitting here now messing around on this blog and will do some writing later. I need to clean my place. My floors still need to be mopped. And my freaking doors are dirty! Who has dirty doors?! I wanna go on a cleaning frenzy right now but I'm trying to be easy on myself and that would be being the opposite of easy on myself. Thankfully Uraeus washed the dishes. And the rest of the dirt will be there tomorrow. Of course I have to work tomorrow too but still. Maybe I will be in a better space tomorrow. I don't know. I have two clients tomorrow. One at 10am and the other at 4pm. I'm praying for an easy day.
I feel like working on my next collection of poetry. But I don't think I will get to that either tonight. I'm feeling antsy. I don't know why but I am. I've been taking my meds regularly. Been praying and writing and trying to keep my mind calm. But I still feel it. I keep saying I'm going to wake up early and get some exercise like go for a walk on the beach or something. But I don't do it come morning. I'm too tired in the morning. As much as I wanna say I'm going to do it in the morning I'm probably not because I have to be in Inglewood at 10 which means leaving here by 9 and sitting in traffic. Besides, do I even have gas to get to the beach tomorrow? No I do not. And on top of that I have to give my landlord some money tomorrow. Thankfully I have it to give him. Ok, not all of it, but hey. I'm going to do some meditation tonight, some creative writing, some creative thinking, something because I just can't afford to start going down a depressive road. I've been doing so well. I'm trying to keep it up.
Anyway, let me jump off here and see what's going on on Instagram and Facebook.
Love yourselves.
Work went well today. It usually does with this client. After work I went to see Penelope for a minute. She's still dealing with the death of her mother. It was so quiet in the house. I think Charles was sleeping. She gave me leftover greens and yams and bread from the church. They gave them so much food she couldn't even fit it in her fridge. It was a blessing to me.
I'm just sitting here now messing around on this blog and will do some writing later. I need to clean my place. My floors still need to be mopped. And my freaking doors are dirty! Who has dirty doors?! I wanna go on a cleaning frenzy right now but I'm trying to be easy on myself and that would be being the opposite of easy on myself. Thankfully Uraeus washed the dishes. And the rest of the dirt will be there tomorrow. Of course I have to work tomorrow too but still. Maybe I will be in a better space tomorrow. I don't know. I have two clients tomorrow. One at 10am and the other at 4pm. I'm praying for an easy day.
I feel like working on my next collection of poetry. But I don't think I will get to that either tonight. I'm feeling antsy. I don't know why but I am. I've been taking my meds regularly. Been praying and writing and trying to keep my mind calm. But I still feel it. I keep saying I'm going to wake up early and get some exercise like go for a walk on the beach or something. But I don't do it come morning. I'm too tired in the morning. As much as I wanna say I'm going to do it in the morning I'm probably not because I have to be in Inglewood at 10 which means leaving here by 9 and sitting in traffic. Besides, do I even have gas to get to the beach tomorrow? No I do not. And on top of that I have to give my landlord some money tomorrow. Thankfully I have it to give him. Ok, not all of it, but hey. I'm going to do some meditation tonight, some creative writing, some creative thinking, something because I just can't afford to start going down a depressive road. I've been doing so well. I'm trying to keep it up.
Anyway, let me jump off here and see what's going on on Instagram and Facebook.
Love yourselves.
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Ok
I have fiddled around on Facebook enough. It's time for me to take my self to bed.
Love yourselves
Love yourselves
Grandfather. Chess. Songs.
Wow! Today would have been my grandfather's 101st birthday. I miss hearing him sing in the kitchen. Miss hearing him pray with the deacons in the front of the church during devotion. It's odd but I even miss riding with him, my grandmother and sister in the station wagon to church with the windows all rolled up and the ac blasting while he smoked a cigarette. Ok, maybe I don't miss that. Maybe I just remember it. But I do miss him. And how he enjoyed playing chess with his sons. I don't think I ever played him. I don't think any of the grandchildren played him in chess. Well maybe Deon. I miss hearing him argue with the Sunday school class. "The point of it is..." is what he would say really loud like that was supposed to silence the person he was talking to. I wonder how often it worked. I miss the way he would keep the grass in the front yard and back yard impeccable. People would pull over and get out of their cars to tell us how beautiful the grass looked. I miss taking care of him during his days of dementia. I remember there were days he didn't know who I was coming in the door late at night but he would welcome me anyway. I used to fall asleep on the chair next to his in the living room and once I fell asleep before he did and I woke up to him putting a blanket over me. I know he loved me. I don't think he ever said it. I never heard him say it to anyone but I know he loved us.
Miss you, Granddaddy. Hope you had a great heavenly birthday.
Miss you, Granddaddy. Hope you had a great heavenly birthday.
Go, Jess!
Hey Jessica, you did a good job on your feature tonight in Pamona! I loved all the poems you read. I am thankful that True went live so we could see it. When is your next feature? Hopefully I can roll with you. You know I would have gone with you today but I had to work. You know I stay trying to be caught up on the rent. Love you, sis.
Favorite. Good time. I believe.
Saturday, September 8, 2018 10:17pm Los Angeles. Home.
I worked today with my favorite client. She was enjoying a musical program on PBS. It was pretty good. She didn't want to do anything I wanted her to do. And that's ok too. Sometimes she gets that way. I had a beautiful time with her anyway. I'm still on a roll feeling good. Feeling like I can go on and run this race. I don't know what that looks like but I believe I can do it. I believe I can see myself into the future. I will have another birthday, God willing. I will sing another song (to myself in the shower). I will write another poem I am proud of. I will keep posting in this blog. I will keep writing period. I will paint again. I will sell another painting. I will keep having powerful conversations with my son, my nephew, my niece. I will maintain a good relationship with my mother. I will continue to work. I will get more clients. I will continue to teach. I will stay on my meds. I will swim again. I will love again. I will keep dreaming. Keep loving. Keep touching hearts and minds. I will stay open. I will build and tear down bridges. I will love.
I worked today with my favorite client. She was enjoying a musical program on PBS. It was pretty good. She didn't want to do anything I wanted her to do. And that's ok too. Sometimes she gets that way. I had a beautiful time with her anyway. I'm still on a roll feeling good. Feeling like I can go on and run this race. I don't know what that looks like but I believe I can do it. I believe I can see myself into the future. I will have another birthday, God willing. I will sing another song (to myself in the shower). I will write another poem I am proud of. I will keep posting in this blog. I will keep writing period. I will paint again. I will sell another painting. I will keep having powerful conversations with my son, my nephew, my niece. I will maintain a good relationship with my mother. I will continue to work. I will get more clients. I will continue to teach. I will stay on my meds. I will swim again. I will love again. I will keep dreaming. Keep loving. Keep touching hearts and minds. I will stay open. I will build and tear down bridges. I will love.
Jessica's writing prompt
2. God sounds like love on a tin roof
God sound like nails
Reminding me
Over and over again
To love myself better
Clang clang
And I drink more water
Clang clang clang
And I take another walk
God sounds like cotton in my ears
I hear only what's inside
The clatter
The chatter
Then I count to a hundred
Squeak squeak
Then I say a little prayer
For me and for Aretha
God sounds like rain a dry concrete
My feet begging to go out to play
I slip on sandals and see what God has to say
God sounds like rain against the wind
Hitting my face
Slapping me into submission
God ain't never got to try so hard
I am already humble to her will
3. Nobody would ever know...
Nobody would ever know that now I celebrate a month free of thinking about killing myself
This is a lot for a woman with suicidal ideation
I spend days thinking of a master plan
I ignore the voices inside telling me how many will miss me
The damage I am doing to my family
Because there are other voices telling me that they are much better off without me
There are always voices
But I celebrate the good voices
The ones I know know better
I don't know how long I will be celebrating but I am now and that's what's important
God sound like nails
Reminding me
Over and over again
To love myself better
Clang clang
And I drink more water
Clang clang clang
And I take another walk
God sounds like cotton in my ears
I hear only what's inside
The clatter
The chatter
Then I count to a hundred
Squeak squeak
Then I say a little prayer
For me and for Aretha
God sounds like rain a dry concrete
My feet begging to go out to play
I slip on sandals and see what God has to say
God sounds like rain against the wind
Hitting my face
Slapping me into submission
God ain't never got to try so hard
I am already humble to her will
3. Nobody would ever know...
Nobody would ever know that now I celebrate a month free of thinking about killing myself
This is a lot for a woman with suicidal ideation
I spend days thinking of a master plan
I ignore the voices inside telling me how many will miss me
The damage I am doing to my family
Because there are other voices telling me that they are much better off without me
There are always voices
But I celebrate the good voices
The ones I know know better
I don't know how long I will be celebrating but I am now and that's what's important
Come on now.
Something's wrong with this blog site tonight and I don't feel like playing with it. I'll complete the writing prompts tomorrow and just get to bed now. Sending you love.
Love yourselves.
Love yourselves.
Jessica's writing prompt
1. How's the whether inside.
I just turned 49 at the beginning of the week
I started menopause when I turned 40
The whether is hot
Hot flashes
Hot spells
Hot summers
It is hot
It is hot
Makes me want to cuss sometimes
Like damn it's hot in here
Who cut off the fucking ac
It's hot hot
Like makes me remember to pray
For patience
For love
For peace
For soft kisses
Because who has time for a hot and sweaty body all over me these days
I carry around a big fan
A big red fan with yellow feathers
It's hot
It's hot
But this heat inside me will not kill me
Will not burn me
I will live
Even with this heat
Even with my body burning like building on fire
I will live
I just turned 49 at the beginning of the week
I started menopause when I turned 40
The whether is hot
Hot flashes
Hot spells
Hot summers
It is hot
It is hot
Makes me want to cuss sometimes
Like damn it's hot in here
Who cut off the fucking ac
It's hot hot
Like makes me remember to pray
For patience
For love
For peace
For soft kisses
Because who has time for a hot and sweaty body all over me these days
I carry around a big fan
A big red fan with yellow feathers
It's hot
It's hot
But this heat inside me will not kill me
Will not burn me
I will live
Even with this heat
Even with my body burning like building on fire
I will live
CAAM. Hope. Edwin.
Saturday, September 8, 2018 12:43am. Los Angeles. Home.
I went out to CAAM (California African American Museum) yesterday. I was the moderator for a panel. The topic was Hope is the Chorus. It was giving by Tonya Ingram. I so love her. There were several poets who performed before the panel went up. I had an amazing time. Jessica went with me and she had a good time also. She called Riverdia who came out and Bridgette was also there. We all went out to Denny's afterward. Edwin Bodney performed and just blew me away as he usually does. Yessika Salgado also performed. She did something that made me want to go home immediately and just start writing. The first piece she did she said that I inspired that. I'm honored by that because that first piece was so good but that second piece where she talked about all she writes about and then goes on to list and talk about the things in her life she writes about. Whew! Talk about a writing prompt. Yes.
Also, I plan to get to the writing prompts that Jessica sent me. I don't think I will pay attention to the times though. I'll write what comes out for as long as it is coming out. And no, I didn't go to Venice Beach to take any pictures. The meds had me down today. I'm only supposed to take one of the Lorazapam pills but last night and the night before I took two. When I take two I get to sleep faster but it has me sleep all day. I mean, I could have gotten up if I just had to but I didn't have to so....
I was even going to go order some more books because I'm completely out and I didn't make it down to meet Camari at the Stage to do that. I'll meet her on Monday but I really have to be careful with those pills. I shouldn't even be taking them every day.
I went out to CAAM (California African American Museum) yesterday. I was the moderator for a panel. The topic was Hope is the Chorus. It was giving by Tonya Ingram. I so love her. There were several poets who performed before the panel went up. I had an amazing time. Jessica went with me and she had a good time also. She called Riverdia who came out and Bridgette was also there. We all went out to Denny's afterward. Edwin Bodney performed and just blew me away as he usually does. Yessika Salgado also performed. She did something that made me want to go home immediately and just start writing. The first piece she did she said that I inspired that. I'm honored by that because that first piece was so good but that second piece where she talked about all she writes about and then goes on to list and talk about the things in her life she writes about. Whew! Talk about a writing prompt. Yes.
Also, I plan to get to the writing prompts that Jessica sent me. I don't think I will pay attention to the times though. I'll write what comes out for as long as it is coming out. And no, I didn't go to Venice Beach to take any pictures. The meds had me down today. I'm only supposed to take one of the Lorazapam pills but last night and the night before I took two. When I take two I get to sleep faster but it has me sleep all day. I mean, I could have gotten up if I just had to but I didn't have to so....
I was even going to go order some more books because I'm completely out and I didn't make it down to meet Camari at the Stage to do that. I'll meet her on Monday but I really have to be careful with those pills. I shouldn't even be taking them every day.
Friday, September 7, 2018
Love
I know what I was forgetting to tell you about! I saw a video on Facebook featuring this older couple. A man and a woman. She was loosing her sight and she loved to wear makeup so the husband was learning how to apply it for her for when she can't see anymore she can still feel her best. He was taking her to makeup counters picking up pointers and practicing on her. It was so beautiful. That's love.
Art
I'm going to start practicing being easier on myself. I'm not exactly sure about what that looks like in real life but I'm going to create it.
Three writing prompts from Jessica
1. How's the weather inside?
(For this one, give yourself 7 minutes for a poem, then try to write 2 haikus in 5 minutes.)
2. God sounds like love on a tin roof
(Just one poem or story 7 minutes.)
3. Nobody would ever know...
(1 poem Give self 5 minutes and 1 haiku 5 minutes.)
I won't attempt to tackle these prompts tonight but I will think about them and write them tomorrow. That's the plan any way.
Thank you, Jessica for the prompts.
(For this one, give yourself 7 minutes for a poem, then try to write 2 haikus in 5 minutes.)
2. God sounds like love on a tin roof
(Just one poem or story 7 minutes.)
3. Nobody would ever know...
(1 poem Give self 5 minutes and 1 haiku 5 minutes.)
I won't attempt to tackle these prompts tonight but I will think about them and write them tomorrow. That's the plan any way.
Thank you, Jessica for the prompts.
Good work. CAAM. Show cancelled.
September 6, 2018 11:51pm Los Angeles. Home.
I had a good shift at work tonight. I worked with my Long Beach client. She was pleasant and sleepy mostly. We only talked a little. She told me that she had had a bad dream. I couldn't understand the dream only that to her it was bad. I am wishing her good dreams from here on out.
Last night I worked with one of my favorite clients. She is actually my favorite. She will be 102 years old this month. Her daughter and niece were there. I had never met them so it was good to spend time with them. I really enjoyed talking to them and watching MSNBC with them. I of course also enjoyed spending time with my client. I'll see more of her this weekend and next week.
Tomorrow night I have a show at CAAM but my check in time isn't until 5:30 so I want to go somewhere and take some photos. I'm thinking about going to a Japanese garden but the only one I know about is in Pasadena and I don't want to go out that far and have to be back in LA by the evening. Maybe I'll just go to Venice and take some water and people watching photos. I'm really going to try to get up. I'm back on my meds and they make me sleep like crazy. It was so hard for me to get up this afternoon but like I said, I'm going to try.
Oh, I'm performing again with Sisters At The Table at the Hollywood Hotel hosted by Bridgette Bianca. I'm so happy to be working with them again. I did the show last month and it was an absolute blast. I'm looking forward to seeing who I will be performing with this month.
The show with WomanPreach in Houston was cancelled for the next week. I was really excited about going to but things happen. I don't know exactly what happened to have them cancel because that's not what they normally do but I pray the best move was made and that God is being God in the situation like God always is.
In other news, Penelope's mom's funeral was today and the sisters from the church made way too much chicken as sisters from the church do. So she brought some chicken and rice and rolls over here. Praise God! We could use it. I had some chicken and a glass of wine when I got in tonight. Yas! I wish I didn't have to work tonight or I would have gone to the funeral with P. I'm so sorry that she is dealing with this pain right now. Losing your mother has to be an incredible pain. P took good care of her mother while also taking care of her brother. She has a lot on her plate. And she's an artist. A working artist. She's a writer and brilliant. One of my favorite writers. I love her dearly.
Anyway, its after midnight now and I'm going to sleep soon so you all love yourselves.
I had a good shift at work tonight. I worked with my Long Beach client. She was pleasant and sleepy mostly. We only talked a little. She told me that she had had a bad dream. I couldn't understand the dream only that to her it was bad. I am wishing her good dreams from here on out.
Last night I worked with one of my favorite clients. She is actually my favorite. She will be 102 years old this month. Her daughter and niece were there. I had never met them so it was good to spend time with them. I really enjoyed talking to them and watching MSNBC with them. I of course also enjoyed spending time with my client. I'll see more of her this weekend and next week.
Tomorrow night I have a show at CAAM but my check in time isn't until 5:30 so I want to go somewhere and take some photos. I'm thinking about going to a Japanese garden but the only one I know about is in Pasadena and I don't want to go out that far and have to be back in LA by the evening. Maybe I'll just go to Venice and take some water and people watching photos. I'm really going to try to get up. I'm back on my meds and they make me sleep like crazy. It was so hard for me to get up this afternoon but like I said, I'm going to try.
Oh, I'm performing again with Sisters At The Table at the Hollywood Hotel hosted by Bridgette Bianca. I'm so happy to be working with them again. I did the show last month and it was an absolute blast. I'm looking forward to seeing who I will be performing with this month.
The show with WomanPreach in Houston was cancelled for the next week. I was really excited about going to but things happen. I don't know exactly what happened to have them cancel because that's not what they normally do but I pray the best move was made and that God is being God in the situation like God always is.
In other news, Penelope's mom's funeral was today and the sisters from the church made way too much chicken as sisters from the church do. So she brought some chicken and rice and rolls over here. Praise God! We could use it. I had some chicken and a glass of wine when I got in tonight. Yas! I wish I didn't have to work tonight or I would have gone to the funeral with P. I'm so sorry that she is dealing with this pain right now. Losing your mother has to be an incredible pain. P took good care of her mother while also taking care of her brother. She has a lot on her plate. And she's an artist. A working artist. She's a writer and brilliant. One of my favorite writers. I love her dearly.
Anyway, its after midnight now and I'm going to sleep soon so you all love yourselves.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Scary
I just read there was a 6.6 earthquake in China. Sending prayers out to those in the danger zone.
Nike. Colin. Support.
So here for Nike and Colin Kaepernick! I'm not rushing out to buy new sneaks (maybe a visor and some socks), but I'm happy about it. Folks are pissed off though. Burning their shoes and other Nike apparel. Oh well, be mad that Nike is supporting him. Be mad and burn shit you already spent money on. Be safe though. Fire is dangerous.
Books sold. God. World Stage Press.
Yay!!! I sold some books this month. I just checked my email and there was that beautiful notice. Checks will be sent next week. Look at God! I didn't sell as many as I hoped to but some is better than none and a check is better than no check and next week is better than next month. So there. Now to get back on my hustle and sell more books. Thank you World Stage Press!
Playground Politics
I noticed that I stopped posting Playground Politics on this blog but I'm going to start back. The book comes out this month!
Short stories. Picked up meds. V.
I don't know why I logged on here right now. I'm about to take a quick nap before my shift begins for tonight. I'm itching to start a new short story collection. I don't know what it will be about though. Either a collection of short stories or poetry. Who knows? Just glad some juices are flowing. I picked up my meds today like I promised myself I would. I don't sleep well without them. I didn't sleep well last night either. I rested ok if that makes sense but didn't really sleep sleep. I kinda stared at the clock most of the night. It doesn't surprise me that my sleep is off at night because of the schedule I've been keeping. Getting in super late and then still being a bit awake and not really ready to go to bed. I don't really get sleepy until about 8am. Then I sleep too late and my day is gone because I have to be on the freeway headed to Long Beach by 4pm or I'm late. The freeway is mad crowded at that time too so sometimes I go early and just go to my mom's house to rest for my shift. My Long Beach client lives right around the corner from my mom. She even knew my grandmother.
I saw V today. Whenever I go somewhere I usually call her to see if she wants a ride somewhere. I'm always glad when she says yes because I enjoy spending time with her. She rode with me to get my meds then I took her to Trader Joe's near the pharmacy. We have good conversations. I tell her things I don't tell anybody. Any body. V is a vault. My secrets are safe with her and hers are safe with me.
I just got distracted by Uraeus laughing at something he is looking at on his phone. I love to hear him laugh. I love to see him smile. That's one of the things that brings me joy and light. Last night or early this morning rather when I was trying to get to sleep I kept listing things and people that make me happy and hearing Uraeus laugh was high on the list. Even when he was a baby he had this magical laugh and beautiful smile. That's one of the things I remember about Richard, my mother's second husband (he passed away years ago), he used to say what a beautiful smile Uraeus had. I wish he could see him now all grown up. Well, not all grown up but grown up enough. He's tall with thick locks and full facial hair. Grown.
I didn't get around to reading today so I'll take Michelle's manuscript with me to work tonight. I'll have some time to read when my client goes to sleep. I also didn't get around to moping the floors or do any of the cleaning I wanted to do. In fact, the only cleaning that got done around here was Uraeus taking the trash out. I'll get to it tomorrow. My place is not dirty just not as clean as I like to keep it. It takes energy I don't always have to keep the place clean.
Oh, did I mention that I got another client? I think I did. I'm trying to pick up two more and then I'll hold off on accepting more. There are only seven days in a week and I almost have all of the filled with clients. I try to stay free on the weekends but when I'm offered work I rarely turn it down so that means working on the weekends too sometimes. In fact, the client I'm going to work for tonight her daughter just texted me and asked me to work the weekend. I haven't answered yet but my answer is going to be yes.
Mkay, let me get to the business of this nap.
Love yourselves.
I saw V today. Whenever I go somewhere I usually call her to see if she wants a ride somewhere. I'm always glad when she says yes because I enjoy spending time with her. She rode with me to get my meds then I took her to Trader Joe's near the pharmacy. We have good conversations. I tell her things I don't tell anybody. Any body. V is a vault. My secrets are safe with her and hers are safe with me.
I just got distracted by Uraeus laughing at something he is looking at on his phone. I love to hear him laugh. I love to see him smile. That's one of the things that brings me joy and light. Last night or early this morning rather when I was trying to get to sleep I kept listing things and people that make me happy and hearing Uraeus laugh was high on the list. Even when he was a baby he had this magical laugh and beautiful smile. That's one of the things I remember about Richard, my mother's second husband (he passed away years ago), he used to say what a beautiful smile Uraeus had. I wish he could see him now all grown up. Well, not all grown up but grown up enough. He's tall with thick locks and full facial hair. Grown.
I didn't get around to reading today so I'll take Michelle's manuscript with me to work tonight. I'll have some time to read when my client goes to sleep. I also didn't get around to moping the floors or do any of the cleaning I wanted to do. In fact, the only cleaning that got done around here was Uraeus taking the trash out. I'll get to it tomorrow. My place is not dirty just not as clean as I like to keep it. It takes energy I don't always have to keep the place clean.
Oh, did I mention that I got another client? I think I did. I'm trying to pick up two more and then I'll hold off on accepting more. There are only seven days in a week and I almost have all of the filled with clients. I try to stay free on the weekends but when I'm offered work I rarely turn it down so that means working on the weekends too sometimes. In fact, the client I'm going to work for tonight her daughter just texted me and asked me to work the weekend. I haven't answered yet but my answer is going to be yes.
Mkay, let me get to the business of this nap.
Love yourselves.
Good birthday times
I'm 49 years old now!!!!! My birthday was Monday. I celebrated well. I spent the day with friends on Sunday then with family on Monday. It was beautiful. I am thankful I made another year. Thankful for Nspire who really went out for me on Sunday and for my family. I am thankful I got another picture of Uraeus and got to post it on Facebook. I had a good time. I'm already thinking about what I want to do next year for my 50th. I'm glad about that because it means I'm seeing myself in another year. That is progress for a person with suicidal ideation. There are times I can go months in a row thinking about it every day. Every single day. And then there are times like now when I haven't been that down in weeks. Progress. I wanna stay on this road. I know stressors come but I really wanna stay strong. At least stay swimming. At least stay in the pool. At least stay alive.
Ms. Hill. Mr. Glasper. Her.
I finally read Lauren Hill's response to Robert Glasper's remarks about her. I feel her. He was going on about how he is at a certain place in his career and doesn't audition and she was like dude, I just wanna see if we are a fit. I get it. She denied the rumor that the band couldn't look her in the eye but was damn skippy about them calling her Ms. Hill. I heard that too. Anyway, there are so many trash ass men Glasper could have come for, leave Lauren alone. I have more to say, but why?
Long work week. Patience. Home.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018 12:27am
Just got in. I had a good shift tonight. I'm coming off of a long work week. Last week I had a client from 6pm to 11pm then left her and went to another client in Inglewood at 11:30pm to 12:00pm then came home for sleep then got back on the freeway headed to my Long Beach client at 6 again. It wasn't fun but I survived. I also got a new client in Inglewood. I start with her on the 10th. I hope it goes well.
I was thinking about the patience it takes to do the job I do. It not only takes patience but the ability to really put yourself in the client's shoes. My client in Inglewood has dementia and is home alone for a few hours before I get there. Now, imagine being him and seeing someone walk in your home with a key and start acting like they belong there. That could be pretty scary. I was also thinking about what it must be like to be my Long Beach client. Sometimes she is my most challenging client but I do understand her struggle. I am a person who twists and turns a lot in bed at night trying to find the right position. It was a nightmare for me when I was pregnant. Imagine being her who needs help twisting into every position. Imaging needing help just moving one leg behind the other or turning over in bed. Well that's her. I spend a lot of time in prayer before I go into my client's homes. Praying for a good shift. And by good I mean praying for the patience I need to do the job and praying for strength, physical and mental. Praying for the client. Just...praying.
Well I'm home now and I don't have to work until 7pm tomorrow. I have another client in Los Angeles I'm working with. She's my favorite. She will be 102 years old this month. She's still walking (with a walker), still talking, still hanging in there. She has dementia also so her conversation is a bit limited sometimes but she also has a great imagination so she makes up answers to questions and tells beautiful stories. I love her.
It's a good thing I don't go in until later because I have some serious reading to catch up on and I also have to go pick up my meds. I've been without them for a few days now and I don't like going too long. I started to do it this morning but I was too tired. Also, my floors aren't going to mop themselves.
Well it's after midnight so I'm going to try to get some sleep.
Love yourselves.
Just got in. I had a good shift tonight. I'm coming off of a long work week. Last week I had a client from 6pm to 11pm then left her and went to another client in Inglewood at 11:30pm to 12:00pm then came home for sleep then got back on the freeway headed to my Long Beach client at 6 again. It wasn't fun but I survived. I also got a new client in Inglewood. I start with her on the 10th. I hope it goes well.
I was thinking about the patience it takes to do the job I do. It not only takes patience but the ability to really put yourself in the client's shoes. My client in Inglewood has dementia and is home alone for a few hours before I get there. Now, imagine being him and seeing someone walk in your home with a key and start acting like they belong there. That could be pretty scary. I was also thinking about what it must be like to be my Long Beach client. Sometimes she is my most challenging client but I do understand her struggle. I am a person who twists and turns a lot in bed at night trying to find the right position. It was a nightmare for me when I was pregnant. Imagine being her who needs help twisting into every position. Imaging needing help just moving one leg behind the other or turning over in bed. Well that's her. I spend a lot of time in prayer before I go into my client's homes. Praying for a good shift. And by good I mean praying for the patience I need to do the job and praying for strength, physical and mental. Praying for the client. Just...praying.
Well I'm home now and I don't have to work until 7pm tomorrow. I have another client in Los Angeles I'm working with. She's my favorite. She will be 102 years old this month. She's still walking (with a walker), still talking, still hanging in there. She has dementia also so her conversation is a bit limited sometimes but she also has a great imagination so she makes up answers to questions and tells beautiful stories. I love her.
It's a good thing I don't go in until later because I have some serious reading to catch up on and I also have to go pick up my meds. I've been without them for a few days now and I don't like going too long. I started to do it this morning but I was too tired. Also, my floors aren't going to mop themselves.
Well it's after midnight so I'm going to try to get some sleep.
Love yourselves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)