Creating goodness

Wednesday, September 19, 2018 12:18am Los Angeles. Home.

I get off at 11 and will try to make it home by midnight. I usually fail. I don't know what I'm racing home to by midnight. But I do. I had a long day today. I had two clients back to back today. My first one was easier than my second but all in all I had two good shifts. I'll have two clients tomorrow also so I better get some rest.

Thinking about creating goodness for myself and drawing to myself what I think and being careful about what I let in and out of my body (mouth, mind). This is no new thought just something I'm going to be careful about in the coming days. Working a lot like I have been doing is usually a trigger for a depressive episode and I'm trying to fight it before it even gets here. I've been showering and writing. I know it's hard for my family (especially) to read about me going through depressive episodes as well as manic episodes. I know it's hard. But I have to write about it. It's how I make sense of it. I have to write about it to get it off and out of me. I'm not seeing a therapist so this is like therapy for me. Even when I was seeing a therapist I was writing. I have a story about my family that they can only deal with me happy but that's not how my life is set up.  Sometimes I am deeply sad. Suicidal ideation is a part of my make up. Thankfully it has been over a month since I have had any of those thoughts. That's something to celebrate it think. No, I know it is. So I'm going to fight the episode trying to come. It may win but not without a fight. I have to schedule in some rest. I must.

Send up some prayers and love yourselves.